Unravel Cancer: Experiences with family battling cancer: Alone

09 August 2009

15:04 Alone

Or A Loon? This is a post I've been resisting making, but there's no escaping. It relates to the Bones of the Past.

The most challenging feeling I've had since the family health poop hit the fan, has been loneliness. My sponsor said that working the fourth step often brings this feeling up, and it's ok. She said it's good to let all the resentments fall away, and make room for good stuff to come in. The last few days have seen me write the 4th step a bit. It often gets exhausting, though, to dredge up the Bones. But, it does feel as though there's a release from a lot of pain & suffering, with each line item listed.

However, the lonely feelings still crop up. They partly came up in the last few days due to Female hormones. Ah, yes. They are my friend & my foe at the same time. That being said, it has been difficult for me to be around people since my return from Denver. A group of us went to the First Friday Oakland Art Murmur the other day. For the first time ever in my life, I felt panicky in the crowd. Having people randomly bump into me, not sure if they were high or drunk, or just careless, brought about an uneasiness to my mood. The loud din of street musicians, even though some were really good & fun, was unsettling. I could barely focus on the art that was being shown.

My roommate, who is of the Clan of Easily Distracted, kept wandering off, and needed corralling. That part caused an old surge of memory to dislodge from when I was a kid, and had a few moments where I lost my mom in the store, or at an amusement park or something. That pure, unadulterated fear of being "left behind" by those that are loving & caring for you is unlike anything. Childhood can be scary sometimes.

When we returned home, we went back to our separate rooms to sleep. Me: to my disheveled hovel, Her: to her palace of snuggly delight with her boyfriend. The loud crash of a wave of loneliness hit my rocky psyche.

My roommates boyfriend is really a cool cat. I'm so glad that they are together, because she was single for quite a few years before they began dating. They seem to be really good for one another, and exist in simpatico unlike most couples I know. I'm happy for her, remembering some conversations she had about loneliness not too long ago. There's hope for me yet.

Still, my curmudgeon-y, bitter, jaded, Midwestern stoic mind, cries, "Wahhh!". The committee in my head prepares for a pity party, moving the tables & chairs of my past, laying out the plastic tablecloths of despair, self-pity, and martyrdom. And, every single time, the only one who shows up to the pity party is me. Why is that? A mystery of the universe, to be sure.

One of the most challenging parts of Denver was meeting, and having to let go of, a super cool dude I met at the climbing gym. We had a lovely conversation about all sorts of deep philosophical things, and seemed to get along really well. The gift, was that I could simply be in the moment, and enjoy this man's company no matter what the future would hold.

The sadness came later, with accepting the reality it was a bad time for me to date anyone, and that he had another agenda lined up for himself anyway, which didn't seem to include any dating partner. Hell! For all I know, he was dating someone else before we ever met. The next day was met with a bucket of tears, and anger & frustration at my situation, for a potentially great romance that was never meant to be. It brings tears to my eyes now, just recalling that day.

Although mopey, I refuse to let hope slip through my fingers like a handful of sand. In the last 2 years, two of my very close friends in their 40s both found the loves of their life. They are now blissfully happy in their relationships. Even the blogger gal who lost her mom quickly to a stage 4 brain tumor found a mate not soon after. You can read her story at Daughter of Cancer.

There have been many gifts as a result of these family matters. Slowing down, and doing less will give me an opportunity to open up space for a new person in my life. Having an improved relationship with my mom will set a good foundation for relationship. Letting go of the bones of the past will free me up to remain present while I'm with my partner. Exercising good self care will be essential when relating to another person. Plus, having no one to answer to which allows me to do exactly what I need to heal, is pretty luxurious.

Although it's easy to get into Pity Party mode, it's no fun to play musical chairs with myself. Trusting that everything is exactly in perfect order, is really hard. Often I feel a conglomerate of feelings in one moment: fear, joy, gratitude, and nervousness all rolled into one. Another program friend told me that this was his experience. The English language is too limited to describe this emotional reality. The human psyche is complex, and with continued attention to myself, my own psyche is revealing itself to me more & more. This can only benefit me when in a romantic relationship.

So, we'll see how it goes. As my roommate walks in, hope slowly springs up like a plant newly broken through the surface of dirt into fresh air, and the lonely feelings still linger in a shadowy way, in the back room of my mind. Together & individually, they're both good.

Labels: cancer, family cancer, loneliness, lonely, pity, romance

Breathe.

I'm a 30-something professional woman who's mother & brother were both diagnosed with Grade 3 Astrocytoma tumors within about a week of each other. My mother's tumor is in her brain, and my brother's tumor is in his spinal cord, causing him to lose feeling in his arms & legs. These writings are about my experiences dealing with them, coping, loving them, loving myself, and living my life knowing that they are both dying. I hope you find inspiration and courage from my writings to help you get through whatever is going on in your life.