Unravel Cancer: Experiences with family battling cancer: Grief: takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'

23 August 2009

03:39 Grief: takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'

It's that time of the month when my baby hormones kick in, and my body seeks impregnation. After taking a 2.5 hour nap this afternoon, dreaming of hot young dude bodies with giant schlongs, I knew I needed to make a date with myself.

The last few days have been pretty rough at work. Lots of long hours, with me not taking very good care of myself as a result. My head really went up my butt around trying to not let any of the 742 balls in the air drop. Earlier in the week, I had a great experience with the 12-step work I'm doing. The realization that focusing on my feelings all the time creates a very self-absorbed me, was astonishing. For the first time, probably in my life, I didn't squawk about how crappy things were at work, but just put my nose to the grindstone, and tried my best.

By the end of the week, however, my anger & frustration at the situation with an impending project launch could no longer be contained. Fortunately, I have tools to cope with the crap life dishes out at oneself. I managed to not lose my job, blow my stack at my boss, or go postal in general. I'm very proud of this fact.

However, I've gotten into this mode before. My yoga teacher calls it, "reporting for duty" mode. It's like I'm in the armed forces, showing up with my uniform, saluting, and leaving my emotions & vulnerability behind. Being in this mode had quite a negative affect on my body. My massage lady was blown away by the tightness of my jaw on Friday. But, despite all the workplace drama, she said, "Well, your head is still attached to your neck, so that's a good sign." Thank goodness I'm not running around like a chicken with my head cut off! Although things are tough, I could be reacting a lot more severely & be in way worse shape. I could be allowing my nerves to snap and start at the sound of my boss' footsteps outside my door. But, I'm not. Through gritted teeth & tight belly, somehow I'm managing to breathe. Hooray for progress!

As a result of this great massage, my body has opened up to it's inherently hormonal state, a state I had been pushing aside all week in order to get through everything. As I was "taking care of business" with myself tonight, a curious thing happened: I began sobbing. I cried & cried, not knowing why or what for. With each spastic undulation of pleasure in my body, the tears became larger and the sobs louder. What was this all about?

I'm still not sure, but grief comes in mysterious ways. That's the only feeling label that seemed fitting. But, what was I grieving? Earlier in the day, I had a really nice convo with my mom. She's kinda back in "everything/one is out to get me" mode, but despite the downer energy, I still enjoyed talking to her. I told her about my fantasy to move down to Mexico with her, get a 2-bed hacienda in a small town someplace, and live out the rest of our days. She said, "When do we leave?". That was a great sign. She is a tough lady, and is using a trip to Rio Caliente sometime in the coming months as her personal carrot for health improvement and recovery.

The only thing that came to mind, was an instance where an emotional reaction from self-"love" happened once after I had taken a bad fall rock climbing outdoors. When I received bodywork a week later, it opened up vulnerability and fear in a way that allowed me to feel it, because the fall was too scary to acknowledge those feelings. My pals & I were climbing in Pinnacles, and I was trying to lead a 10a sport route, that was traversy & clugy at best. I fell at the 2nd clip, broke the branch of a small tree, and slammed my knee into the head of my belayer. It was a total miracle that I didn't deck.

So, it's quite possible that tonight's solo love making again tapped my heart into some emotions that I wasn't allowing for, like vulnerability and grief and sadness.

The fact is, I really miss my mom. It finally hit me Friday afternoon, when a fire at work that was burning particularly hot called me on my cell for the umpteenth time while I was on the way to the massage lady: I really didn't care about any of this work stuff at all. It became so obvious to me that my job and all the efforts & people in it, are totally inconsequential, compared to the suffering of my mom & brother. I desperately wanted to be at my mom's side, to help her & make sure she was comfortable. She talked a lot about how my brother & sister-in-law (the not sick brother), don't like to eat the same healthy things she likes, like nectarines, melons, papayas, greens (mustard, collard, kale, chard, etc.), and spinach! Can't forget the spinach. She ate so much spinach in Denver I was waiting for the "Aig, gai, gai, gai, gai, gai" laugh ala Popeye. The rest of the convo was mostly chit-chat, but we both stayed on long after we had anything meaningful to say in order to hear each other's voice.

So, here I am, not being Popeye the Sailor Man, not eating spinach, no longer crying (thankfully), but not sleeping either.

Life could be way worse, like the gal who's husband has a brain tumor. Her posts helped me to learn more about what my sister-in-law must be going through. She & my brother are best friends, truly soulmates. Seeing that potential future of love & happiness wash away is certainly devastating. For me, knowing that these dying people are my family, there's a sadness, loneliness, and isolation. No matter how many great friends I have, it's my family that's known me the longest. Other than my mom & dad, I know my brothers the longest, too.

Meanwhile, it's that time again. No - not that! It's time to sleep! *sheesh* You people have dirty minds...

Labels: cancer survivor, caretake, family cancer, masturbation, rock climbing, vulnerability

Breathe.

I'm a 30-something professional woman who's mother & brother were both diagnosed with Grade 3 Astrocytoma tumors within about a week of each other. My mother's tumor is in her brain, and my brother's tumor is in his spinal cord, causing him to lose feeling in his arms & legs. These writings are about my experiences dealing with them, coping, loving them, loving myself, and living my life knowing that they are both dying. I hope you find inspiration and courage from my writings to help you get through whatever is going on in your life.