Unravel Cancer: Experiences with family battling cancer: Change for Life

04 February 2011

00:51 Change for Life

Buddhists say change is the only constant in this world. They aren't kidding.

The Last Month
Almost two weeks ago, I lost my job. It wasn't exactly expected. However, looking back it really was the best thing that could have happened. For the moment, I'm financially ok, and now I have the time & space to be with myself, and be with my family.

That doesn't mean I'm not scared or worried about the future. I feel like I've just been cut loose from the doc, lost my moorings, and have no anchor to set down someplace else. In other words: floating.

But, the Universe works in mysterious ways. I was miserable at that job for the last year. Almost exactly a year ago to the day of the lay off, I was considering quitting. My desperation was so high, I prayed like a mad fool. I asked the Cosmos: How do you live a peaceful life? Why am I not living a peaceful life? How can I accomplish this?

Within days, I had my answer: go do the things you love. I asked myself: “Self, what do you love most?”. My reply: “Writing, backcountry skiing, rock climbing, traveling.” Within days of this conversation, (Please dear readers don't think I'm nutso crazy. All inspired artists have these conversations in their head. Picasso would concur.) the idea for my current project leapt into my brain, and my heart, like a bullet. The concept took my breath away, literally. Butterflies were in my stomach.

Amazingly, just like 1 year ago, I had a moment of desperation at work 2 weeks ago where I was on my knees crying & praying like a worshipper at the Wailing Wall. The very next day a flukey circumstance at my job lead to being let go several days later. Clearly there is a greater purpose for me. These things don't just happen randomly for no reason. Destiny is real, and it has conked me on the head twice in 12 months. I'm a slow learner...

Sadly, the removal of my stressful office job has not lead to a peaceful life. I was really hoping it would. Instead, the “high alert mode” of every change in temperature around my brother & mother has worn me down to the ground. With no high-adrenaline corporate overlord peering over my shoulder, pressing his boney finger into the back of my neck, inching my nose closer to the grindstone, I can finally feel just how worn out I really am. But, it's a good thing: now that I know this, and have time & space, I can work towards self-care & healing.

Today
What I've learned so far: it's really hard for me to relax. Despite my best efforts at personal growth over the last 15 years, I'm still a pretty high-strung, Type-A person. Now's my chance to try on a new pair of shoes, in the stress department. Something fashionable, but comfortable enough to go long distances. No high heels.

So, getting let go was truly a blessing. In a matter of weeks, I'll be headed to Denver to assist my brother with a series of transitions. Things have gone quite haywire with his spouse, and now my oldest brother & I are blessed with the chance to pick up the slack. We will stick together, us 3 siblings, no matter what. It is an honor to serve my brother & my family in this way. No matter how gut-wrenching and painful it also is, it is an honor. It can be both at the same time. This is the joyous & mysterious wonder of Life.

The Future (for the moment)
In the meantime, I'm plowing ahead full-steam on this adventure-travel storytelling project extravaganza. The web design team I hired is top-notch, but also top-heart. Truly I'm blessed to know these people. They've taken the concept & boiled it into a kernel that is cool, hip, but also heart-felt. I can't wait to see the initial web pages!

A quick abstract to whet your appetite: the project will focus on transforming personal tragedies into hope & courage for others. Extraordinary stories from everyday people will be collected, and my travel journey along the way will be documented. There will be lots of alpine & rock climbing. Heck yes.

Also, I'm learning how to have no schedule, and arrive to places on time. I'm learning to set a more relaxed schedule for myself. I'm learning to feel all my feelings, now that I don't have to shove them in my pocket every time I walk into the office. I'm slowly accepting this weird but cool feeling that I never have to deal with all the people I worked with ever again. Ever. It's a strange feeling.

As promised to some, here is the other piece on grief I wrote for my writing class last fall. It was very popular, and my teacher's favorite out of all I wrote:

This Lonesome Wind
(after Terrance Hayes' “Wind In A Box”)

This blood. This loss. This lonesome wind. This canyon.
This rain. This wind blowing the rain. This mud.
This rain pelts my face. This rain pelts his body.
This rain pelts the cloudy glass of the window.
When will the rain end? When will we stand, stand
Together under the blue sky? This canyon.
This wall of mud. This flow. This destructive
Grace. At my feet, at my knees, my hips, my
Shoulders, your shoulders, your eyes, and-- over.
Until this moment, I didn't know you.
This box. This body in a box. This blood
In the body. This wind in a box.
This rain. This mud. This canyon fills in.
This box floats to the sky. Now I know you.

Labels: cancer, creative writing, family cancer, grief, job loss, loss, poetry, storytelling

Breathe.

I'm a 30-something professional woman who's mother & brother were both diagnosed with Grade 3 Astrocytoma tumors within about a week of each other. My mother's tumor is in her brain, and my brother's tumor is in his spinal cord, causing him to lose feeling in his arms & legs. These writings are about my experiences dealing with them, coping, loving them, loving myself, and living my life knowing that they are both dying. I hope you find inspiration and courage from my writings to help you get through whatever is going on in your life.