Unravel Cancer: Experiences with family battling cancer: Noticing

28 July 2009

22:58 Noticing

I'm finally getting to something that's been in my head since last week.

By the 3rd day of being back in the Bay Area, I began my old habit of trying to pack so much into a space of time, before I had to be somewhere else. It happened both in the morning while getting out to the bus for work, and the evening, catching the bus to yoga class.

In both instances, I tried to do "just one more thing" before the time I had to leave. I didn't leave until the time was _absolutely_ down to the wire, the ultimate last second I could leave before missing the bus. Then I rushed to get there, and had to run like hell.

It struck me so hard that after 4 weeks of not being in this schedule, this habit of creating chaos and stress via time management (or lack thereof in this case), sprouted like a weed among roses. It was so instant, so complete, and apparently so stubborn.

Whoa.

It scared me, honestly. I asked myself, "Why are you behaving like this? What's stopping you from simply taking it easy, being on time, and enjoying the moment?"

At present, I think the answer is: fear of my own feelings, fear of being present and not being happy with the moment, fear of being present and _being_ happy, fear of feeling vulnerable or some other feelings I don't like.

F alse
E vidence
A pearing
R eal

The 12-step programs talk about this concept of fear. By believeing my fear is true, it causing great chaos. It gives me the false impression that I'm truly "alive", only if in crisis, and rushing.

As a result, some stuff dropped out of my bag while racing down the hill. I've been forgetting stuff a lot (although that's been most of the last 4 months giving what's going on in my life), and not able to stay present.

The yoga retreat was another great reminder about staying present, and enjoying each moment for what it holds by itself, not for the False Evidence I put on it, Appearing to be Real to me.

Seeing two, not one but, two family members struggle with cancer, really made me stop & think about whether I'm taking advantage of every second of my day. If I'm not being present, what am I doing with myself? Am I seizing all life has to offer? Not at all.

Each time I take a breath, in and out, I'm one breath closer to my own death. This is inescapable. While we all know this on some level, look at all the things created in our society to help us forget it: Prozac, movies, books, iPods, music, computer games, amusement parks, fast cars, prescription & illegal drugs, booze, and anything else that helps you to "check out".

Since noticing what I was doing last week, I've actively made a choice to slow myself down, and let life unfold more. Both days this week, I've walked to the bus & arrived with plenty of time to spare. I haven't gone to the climbing gym once in 7 days. For those who know me and my climbing addiction, this is front page news. I've often been tired early, so I come home early & take naps, or go to bed earlier.

These actions are all super different than I've ever done before. While I'm nervous about gaining weight, since I have barely worked out but once after my return, somehow, something deep inside me is asking me to trust this, to trust the slower me. Hopefully trusting in this new path won't result in needing to buy bigger pants in a few months...

Labels: cancer, cancer survivor, family cancer, grief, mortality, present, time management, yoga

Breathe.

I'm a 30-something professional woman who's mother & brother were both diagnosed with Grade 3 Astrocytoma tumors within about a week of each other. My mother's tumor is in her brain, and my brother's tumor is in his spinal cord, causing him to lose feeling in his arms & legs. These writings are about my experiences dealing with them, coping, loving them, loving myself, and living my life knowing that they are both dying. I hope you find inspiration and courage from my writings to help you get through whatever is going on in your life.