Unravel Cancer: Experiences with family battling cancer

06 January 2011

13:11 When love can be too much

Maybe I've had this grief thing all wrong.

Maybe the Daughter of Cancer blogger had it right all along. All her crying, whining, wallowing, and carrying-on; maybe that's it. Maybe that's how to deal with grief.

The alternative seems to be killing me, or at least that's how it feels today.

While waiting at the bus stop Thursday on my way to work, my neck & left shoulder spasmed severely, to the point where I felt my head jerk.

Immediately I called my acupuncture lady, and met her at her office as she was coming in for the day. She stuck me full of holes, cupped my upper back & shoulders to the point where it looked like I'd been beaten, and told me to stay home.

Gol dang it.

Seeing my brother over the holidays clearly had an impact. Seeing him always does. It's the same with my mom. This whole situation feels like an addiction. Literally, I can't control my body's reactions after returning from a visit. My mind seems to be ok, but my body is not following along with my mind. No matter how I try to accept the horror unfolding before me, no matter how hard I try to let them both go, my body says Eff You.

When can love be too much? When can love hurt?

In this case, it's me who's getting hurt. There are many great things I have going for me, like the trip I'm planning. Just Saturday at the Sierra Club snowcamping orientation, I met a great adventure videographer lady who's trying to get her career started. Woohoo! Even if we don't end up working together, it's an in, a lead.

But, when I return from a visit, my body goes kaflooie, my mind gets way-layed in depression, and I take everything personally. This is not a good recipe for trip-planning. Already I'm way behind on what I need to deliver to the web design consultant. Hopefully I can pull it out of my butt tomorrow night after work.

The fact is, all this crap has been going on for almost 2 years now. My symptoms are getting worse & worse. The spasm this week was so scary, what with numb pinky fingers & all, that I decided to seek medical help from Western doctors. My current GP blew me off. I have the name of another lady my pal recommended. My yoga teacher & I agreed I should get a full-on physical, with ob-gyn, and hopefully a spinal x-ray, etc. of some areas. He thinks we should eliminate any major issues (like tumors) and then go from there, if it's simply a matter of stress reduction.

Yes, I wrote tumors. The physical reaction my body had this week just seemed so extreme, that I'm now terrified some other major thing is wrong. Maybe it's my heart, which is why the contracting muscles are all on the left side. Maybe it's my thyroid (runs in the family). Maybe it's a low-grade infection (lymph nodes are hurting). Maybe it's skin cancer (bumps on my neck for 5 weeks).

As you can see, dear readers, I'm coming apart at the seams. That's exactly how I feel. The stress of hearing about my mom's emergency surgery on Christmas Eve (3rd tumor), and not being able to be there, was a lot. Add that on top of my brother's ridiculous condition in the wheelchair, and that's triple a lot.

So, I pray & ask for the answer to balance how much I care, how much I love them, the survivor guilt I have, and the rest of Life, including my super stressful job, and generally active lifestyle. Clearly, these ingredients are making a sour stew. They are not balanced and it's causing some severe physical reactions that are uncomfortable & scary. Truly Thursday & Friday were deeply scary days. Now I know a little bit what it must have been like for my mom & brother to visit the doctor's after their diagnoses, and wonder if the treatments really worked. Terrifying.

Today, I managed to cry a bit. It was really helpful, but my body still seems sore, and overall I feel exhausted. Grieving is hard work. It's uncomfortable. It makes me feel vulnerable. I don't like it. Apparently, that's a big part of the problem.

So, we'll see. All I can do is take steps to learn more about what's going on. Knowledge is power. And, I'm thankful that amongst all the unconscious redirection of stress to my body, a part of me _did_ wake up & realize it was too much.

Meanwhile, I bought some snowcamping gear this weekend @ REI and Yakima, and a little somethin' somethin' from Vickie's Secret. I'm feeling better.

AND, I listed to most of the Islanders vs Blackhawks game, where the Hawks spanked the Isles, 5-0. That felt great! It was so awesome, I share it with you here:

Even though my body is cracking, there's something worth celebrating: Go Blackhawks!

Labels: brain tumor, Chicago Blackhawks, family cancer, spine injury, stress, yoga

Breathe.

08:16 Stanley Cup for Cancer: Everything Update

Holy moly! Long time..er, no blog? Uh, chat? Whatever.

From before Halloween til now it's been non-stop Life, primarily my creative writing class (now completed), and a nutso crazy workload.

The Deep Stuff
Currently, my brother is now a complete quadripeligic. His left arm is completely a dead weight, and he only has 5% mobility in his right arm. After 7 weeks at acute rehab, he's back home in an electric wheelchair. He's unable to transfer himself to & from the chair.

Needless to say, it's hit him pretty hard. He's unsure about how much longer he can hold on, and we're desperately trying to get my mom out to see him.

My mom's cancer came back; we found out Monday. She also has Parkinson's disease, officially. She's also in a rehab facility, and is scheduled to be moved to a sub-acute facility on the 28th. It's unclear whether she'll ever be able to move back with my oldest brother. He has steep stairs and stuff, and she may not have the strength or mobility to handle that environment.

The horrible part (like the other stuff isn't bad enough), is if my mom leaves any of these facilities to visit my brother in Denver, she will lose her insurance. The insurance companies say, if she's healthy enough to travel, she doesn't need rehab.

This is such a horrible thing to face. Insurance companies clearly don't plan for a tsunami of illness like the kind that hit my family. As far as we can tell, there is no exception for when a person has a child who is dying, and they want to see them.

Insurance companies are about making money, not saving people's lives. They're about the bottom line, not the pulse line. Life does not fit easily into spreadsheets and revenue numbers. The entire US health care system does not accommodate "exception". The system then traps doctors and nurses, like a fly in a spiderweb, who likely have good intentions to help people. But, they too, have to play the game that is the US healthcare insurance market. I don't say "system" because it truly is a "market" when money is to be made, exactly what the insurance companies are doing, goaded by Wall Street. It just plain sucks.

Meanwhile, I could whine about a lot of things, like my manipulative boss at work who is not very compassionate. But instead, I'll just write about my experiences.

The Dreamtime Stuff
Been having a lot of very intense dreams over the last 2 months. Mostly they are about falling. Several times I've dreamt about falling down stairs, and then woken up from the fright as my face approaches the ground. One time I had a very realistic dream about flying. I was attacked by armed forces for my superpower. I think I had escaped from a secret lab or something. Several times I "fell" in that dream: once out of a window, once out of a plane, & a few other times. That dream was neat because as I came closer to the ground, I remembered I could fly & stopped myself before being flattened on the ground, because I was no longer scared.

My massage lady suggested it was a good thing, that it meant I was letting go. Fox knows there's a ton to let go of at the moment. A pal suggested the other day that I was mellowing out. A couple friends at Thanksgiving said the same thing, pals I hadn't seen in about a year.

When people you love are dying, breaking your cell phone, getting cut off, slow-ass grannie drivers, crap bosses, and lousy roommates really don't matter as much. It offers a perspective. I just hope I can carry this relaxed perspective with me the rest of my life. My life & my whole being is better for it.

The New Stuff
Been making great progress on a new project I'm launching, hopefully next year. It will also be cancer related, but more epic. I've hired a web design/brand team, and will hopefully polish off my business plan over the holiday.

The more I write, the more I spend time with writers, the better I feel. The final class recital for my creative writing class was really great. People liked what I wrote! That was quite a thrill. My heart is telling me exactly where to go, and there's no stopping me now!

The Learning Stuff
Sometimes still the self-pity & wallowing come. When I feel like crying, I just try to let myself cry. But, I try not to wallow. A good friend in a far-away land told me about his dad. He said that when his dad would feel like a wreck about something, he would drive someplace quiet & pull over. Then he'd let himself cry for exactly 15 minutes. After that, he'd turn on the car, put it in gear, and keep going.

This was such an inspiring story. I have to be careful not to keep things all bottled up. But, if it's 15 minutes or 1 hour, at least I know there will be a limit on the crying. From there, I pray for strength to put one foot in front of the other. I pray for what the next step should be in that moment. I pray for the ability to let all this go.

The Body Stuff
Meanwhile, my body is not at its best, despite my head being better. I still have tremendous stress reactions. My ribcage is not responding well. There is tremendous overgripping in the left shoulder area. My pelvis is still often out of alignment. These are all way old patterns from when I was a kid. They were developed in times of great stress in my family environment, which was pretty much all the time.

I have no idea what to do about this. Other than regular acupuncture, massage, & yoga, it's a total mystery to me. Clearly the deeper aspects of grief, anxiety, fear, etc. are entering into my body unconsciously. So, how does a person become conscious of it? I can only think of just breathing, and paying attention to the aches & pains that arise. Anybody else have ideas on how to protect one's body from stress & heavy emotions?

Anyway, more posts to follow with some of my writings on grief & being present. Thanks for reading - enjoy your holidays, tell your spouse/partner you love them, buy a bunch of flowers for your table while you're at the grocery store, give a doggie a scratch behind his ear, and enjoy being alive. Happy Holidays to you & yours.

Labels: acupuncture, body, cancer, Christmas, family cancer, holidays, massage, new year, yoga

Breathe.

22:58 Noticing

I'm finally getting to something that's been in my head since last week.

By the 3rd day of being back in the Bay Area, I began my old habit of trying to pack so much into a space of time, before I had to be somewhere else. It happened both in the morning while getting out to the bus for work, and the evening, catching the bus to yoga class.

In both instances, I tried to do "just one more thing" before the time I had to leave. I didn't leave until the time was _absolutely_ down to the wire, the ultimate last second I could leave before missing the bus. Then I rushed to get there, and had to run like hell.

It struck me so hard that after 4 weeks of not being in this schedule, this habit of creating chaos and stress via time management (or lack thereof in this case), sprouted like a weed among roses. It was so instant, so complete, and apparently so stubborn.

Whoa.

It scared me, honestly. I asked myself, "Why are you behaving like this? What's stopping you from simply taking it easy, being on time, and enjoying the moment?"

At present, I think the answer is: fear of my own feelings, fear of being present and not being happy with the moment, fear of being present and _being_ happy, fear of feeling vulnerable or some other feelings I don't like.

F alse
E vidence
A pearing
R eal

The 12-step programs talk about this concept of fear. By believeing my fear is true, it causing great chaos. It gives me the false impression that I'm truly "alive", only if in crisis, and rushing.

As a result, some stuff dropped out of my bag while racing down the hill. I've been forgetting stuff a lot (although that's been most of the last 4 months giving what's going on in my life), and not able to stay present.

The yoga retreat was another great reminder about staying present, and enjoying each moment for what it holds by itself, not for the False Evidence I put on it, Appearing to be Real to me.

Seeing two, not one but, two family members struggle with cancer, really made me stop & think about whether I'm taking advantage of every second of my day. If I'm not being present, what am I doing with myself? Am I seizing all life has to offer? Not at all.

Each time I take a breath, in and out, I'm one breath closer to my own death. This is inescapable. While we all know this on some level, look at all the things created in our society to help us forget it: Prozac, movies, books, iPods, music, computer games, amusement parks, fast cars, prescription & illegal drugs, booze, and anything else that helps you to "check out".

Since noticing what I was doing last week, I've actively made a choice to slow myself down, and let life unfold more. Both days this week, I've walked to the bus & arrived with plenty of time to spare. I haven't gone to the climbing gym once in 7 days. For those who know me and my climbing addiction, this is front page news. I've often been tired early, so I come home early & take naps, or go to bed earlier.

These actions are all super different than I've ever done before. While I'm nervous about gaining weight, since I have barely worked out but once after my return, somehow, something deep inside me is asking me to trust this, to trust the slower me. Hopefully trusting in this new path won't result in needing to buy bigger pants in a few months...

Labels: cancer, cancer survivor, family cancer, grief, mortality, present, time management, yoga

Breathe.

07:30 Yoga Retreat

Didn't have time to post before heading to a yoga retreat at Sierra Hot Springs over the weekend. It was exactly what I needed. The instructor is someone I've taken classes from for about 8 or 9 years, and is also a cranio-sacral bodyworker whom I've worked with for a long time. You can learn more about this teacher here: http://www.youthyogadharma.org/

Anyway, it was a very deep & important time. The theme was Mothers, as it turned out the yoga instructor's mom was also ill. We dedicated our practice to her. The underlying theme, was gentleness, kindness, and compassion for oneself. The teacher brought in many readings from well-known female spiritual guides, that discussed how finding "grace", could be done via gentleness with oneself. The idea was that meditation could lay a foundation for this gentleness, and grace could spring from that. When I get the authors' names, I'll post them.

The first evening after the meditation, I chose a card from the Goddess card deck that the teacher brought with her, and placed on the altar. The card I chose was Inanna, the Queen of Heaven from the Sumerian mythology. Inanna decided to travel to the Underworld, to meet her sister, Eriskegal, the goddess of death. On the way there, she was stripped of all her regalia, and stood naked before her brutally horrible sister. When the Goddess of the Underworld turned her stone eyes onto Inanna, she died, and hung on hooks for 3 days and nights. The only way she could return home, was to find a replacement for herself. All the ones sent to her to replace her were captured by demons. Finally, she chose her arrogant lover, who had ascended her throne while she was gone. A fitting choice, if I do say so...

While I certainly didn't dangle from hooks at the retreat, the story illuminated for me the process I've been going through. Caretaking for my mom was going to the Underworld; and in a way, meeting her was meeting my shadow self. There are many aspects to my mom that are troublesome to me: her constant anxiety, need for self-perfection, magical thinking, and abject willfulness at situations she doesn't like, not to mention her fear of just about everything these days. Yet, she and I are cut from the same cloth. I struggle with these things in many ways. It's taken years of therapy, yoga, meditation, and 12-step programs to undo many of the bad mental & emotional habits I learned from her.

In caring for her, I got to see how far I've progressed. However, it took a lot of strength, prayer, and un-willfulness (meaning letting go of the results) to withstand being sucked back into a negative mindset & habit-track. Every day could have been miserable, if I let it be, or chose it. But, instead, I battened down the hatches of my spiritual core, called for reinforcements through friends & fellowship, let myself cry, and withstood the storm.

The rest of the retreat resulted in me coming back from my visit to the Underworld. I'm not sure exactly who was my replacement - maybe my old self? Either way, a new me was born, rising through the ashes of these challenging times, like a phoenix with twin turbo afterburners.

I was reminded of my choices, and how easily I buckle under the cajoling of strong personalities, with an interaction from another retreat participant. It was amazing to see myself try to blame her for my choice, even though I felt pressured by her offer. In the end, I buckled under her repeated offer. The responsibility falls on me. It was a poignant reminder of how I interact with my mom's willful personality.

I also struggled with interactions with a group of men who were on a nature & mediation retreat. They often sat next to us at the picnic tables for meals. I started to get involved in their business in a seemingly innocent way, over a piece of pie. But, beyond that, my interactions were inappropriately assumptive. None of their conversations were about me, but I tried to make them about me. It was fascinating to see. I can say that now but there was a lot of shame, embarrassment, and KFUK radio all through the evening and next day.

In the Saturday evening meditation, I experienced great pain in the shoulders and upper back area. I figured it was a result of being super loose from all the yoga & massage throughout the day. But our teacher explained that this feeling is common during sitting mediation. It is a result of the heart opening to some new aspect of the self, awaking a part that had been unconscious. It's funny how awareness and advancement to enlightenment involves pain. Although I was skeptical at first, the painful feeling wasn't there the next morning during the morning mediation session. So, it rang true for me after all.

The last days' yoga class, which was 3 hours, was the cherry on top. We did many of the same poses, from the prior day, but with more refinement. There was a lot of shoulder opening work, which also helps to open the heart. The tightness in my right hip was singing a familiar tune by then. During a series of poses involving a block and the shoulders, the instructor told me I was shortening the right arm/shoulder. She said it's likely that the right side of my body is always tight, which pulls at the left side, making it go out.

This statement was like hearing or the first time, the earth really is round. Holy Toledo, I would have fallen over, but I was already lying on the ground. It was then that the realization hit me, that I was getting in touch with the right side of my body in an aware & present way, for the very first time. The right side was always stronger, less injury prone, dominant, and vigilant. The left side was always weaker, prone to injury, clumsy, and scrunched up. Often in bodywork sessions my teacher suggested the right side of my body housed my strength & willfulness, and the left side housed my vulnerability. Now it's clear that in seeing my shadow, my Eriskegal, face to face - in my mom, in others - I was becoming more balanced, more whole. The internal journey was reflected in my outer shell of skin & bones.

Even in writing this, I'm pretty blown away. It was an incredible thing to experience. My hope is that this awareness will continue to remain, and not fade away (another post on that in a minute).

Meanwhile, the retreat ended, we took another excruciatingly hot car-ride (the car's A/C died) West on I-80 (with a respite at Ikeda's - yay!) , and into the Bay Area, where the fog was a welcome cloak of refreshing cool, unlike most days.

It was the perfect thing to wrap up a summer of intensity, emotion, and heaviness. The retreat, and all the lovely ladies who participated, helped me to tie off a giant loose end in my own psyche. I became grounded, aware, and content - dare I even say happy? - by the end. It's amazing how taken care of we are, if we just let life unfold...

Labels: cancer, cancer survivor, family cancer, goddess, hot springs, Inanna, meditation, retreat, sierra, Tahoe, yoga

Breathe.

16:59 Denver

There's so much to say about being in Denver for 4 weeks. Firstly, I had no idea what to expect. The last time I spent any significant time there, was the summer before my Sophomore year of college. I was totally lost, doing lots of drugs, getting into trouble, barely holding down a job, and hanging out with lots of rough characters.

I was scared of dating, and didn't know how to. I was scared of making good friends, and left people who "wronged" me in the dust, for fear of becoming too attached. I didn't take responsibility for anything, and felt the world was out to get me. This is what happens when a person grows up in an abusive home, rampant with alcoholism and dysfunction in general. A warning to all you parents out there...

But, despite those days, I've made a point to overcome my past. In flew my plane to Denver, and my heart was open to whatever would reveal itself to me; like a lotus bud waiting to flower on a pond. Also, I was so focused on how to get through each day with my mom, that I pushed any judgement about Denver aside.

Boy, I'm so glad I did!

Secondly, it turns out that some of the most amazing, beautiful, loving, caring, and compassionate people live in Denver, and I was lucky enough to meet them! I met wonderful people at the Iyengar Yoga studio ( http://iyengaryogacenter.com/ ) and got some bodywork done from one of the instructors there. The circumstances forced me to try something new, and move away from my usual yoga teacher in SF (whom I still love). It was so neat to learn new techniques for the same poses I've done for years. It helped me to keep Beginner's Mind.

Thirdly, the people at the 12-step group meetings that I attended were totally fantastic! I've never felt so welcomed, so loved unconditionally, than in those groups. The Joy group and the Sunday night Lakewood group were completely amazing. As a result, I've been blessed with deep connections with incredible people that will last a lifetime. I even got a self-care package from Melissa with tons of goodies! You rock, girl!

And lastly, the climbers I met at Thrill Seekers gym ( http://www.thrillseekers.cc/ ) were hella amazing! Dave & Josh treated me to a fantastic day trip to the Dream Canyon of upper Boulder Creek (I'll post photos soon), and Troy & Derek took me to the Capitalist Crag of the Clear Creek Canyon. Bence didn't come outdoors to climb, but he showed me this super cool house that he built. And, he pushed me hard in the gym - what any climber would ask for from a more experienced partner.

All in all, it was a completely & totally amazing experience. People who barely knew me a week were so incredibly supportive, caring, and helpful to me. All these folks opened their hearts to me, in a way that will touch me forever. it just goes to show, that when someone has a bad day, you never know what they are going through. Go the extra mile to offer compassion to them. You never know who you might touch, and lift up, even for just a moment.

The capacity for the human soul to care & offer compassion to others is truly a miracle. I will take this feeling with me, and try to practice it in all my affairs.

Thank you, Denver.

Labels: 12 step, alcoholism, Boulder Creek, cancer, Clear Creek, Colorado, Denver, drug use, family abuse, family cancer, friend cancer, iyengar, rock climbing, yoga

Breathe.