Unravel Cancer: Experiences with family battling cancer

16 December 2010

08:16 Stanley Cup for Cancer: Everything Update

Holy moly! Long time..er, no blog? Uh, chat? Whatever.

From before Halloween til now it's been non-stop Life, primarily my creative writing class (now completed), and a nutso crazy workload.

The Deep Stuff
Currently, my brother is now a complete quadripeligic. His left arm is completely a dead weight, and he only has 5% mobility in his right arm. After 7 weeks at acute rehab, he's back home in an electric wheelchair. He's unable to transfer himself to & from the chair.

Needless to say, it's hit him pretty hard. He's unsure about how much longer he can hold on, and we're desperately trying to get my mom out to see him.

My mom's cancer came back; we found out Monday. She also has Parkinson's disease, officially. She's also in a rehab facility, and is scheduled to be moved to a sub-acute facility on the 28th. It's unclear whether she'll ever be able to move back with my oldest brother. He has steep stairs and stuff, and she may not have the strength or mobility to handle that environment.

The horrible part (like the other stuff isn't bad enough), is if my mom leaves any of these facilities to visit my brother in Denver, she will lose her insurance. The insurance companies say, if she's healthy enough to travel, she doesn't need rehab.

This is such a horrible thing to face. Insurance companies clearly don't plan for a tsunami of illness like the kind that hit my family. As far as we can tell, there is no exception for when a person has a child who is dying, and they want to see them.

Insurance companies are about making money, not saving people's lives. They're about the bottom line, not the pulse line. Life does not fit easily into spreadsheets and revenue numbers. The entire US health care system does not accommodate "exception". The system then traps doctors and nurses, like a fly in a spiderweb, who likely have good intentions to help people. But, they too, have to play the game that is the US healthcare insurance market. I don't say "system" because it truly is a "market" when money is to be made, exactly what the insurance companies are doing, goaded by Wall Street. It just plain sucks.

Meanwhile, I could whine about a lot of things, like my manipulative boss at work who is not very compassionate. But instead, I'll just write about my experiences.

The Dreamtime Stuff
Been having a lot of very intense dreams over the last 2 months. Mostly they are about falling. Several times I've dreamt about falling down stairs, and then woken up from the fright as my face approaches the ground. One time I had a very realistic dream about flying. I was attacked by armed forces for my superpower. I think I had escaped from a secret lab or something. Several times I "fell" in that dream: once out of a window, once out of a plane, & a few other times. That dream was neat because as I came closer to the ground, I remembered I could fly & stopped myself before being flattened on the ground, because I was no longer scared.

My massage lady suggested it was a good thing, that it meant I was letting go. Fox knows there's a ton to let go of at the moment. A pal suggested the other day that I was mellowing out. A couple friends at Thanksgiving said the same thing, pals I hadn't seen in about a year.

When people you love are dying, breaking your cell phone, getting cut off, slow-ass grannie drivers, crap bosses, and lousy roommates really don't matter as much. It offers a perspective. I just hope I can carry this relaxed perspective with me the rest of my life. My life & my whole being is better for it.

The New Stuff
Been making great progress on a new project I'm launching, hopefully next year. It will also be cancer related, but more epic. I've hired a web design/brand team, and will hopefully polish off my business plan over the holiday.

The more I write, the more I spend time with writers, the better I feel. The final class recital for my creative writing class was really great. People liked what I wrote! That was quite a thrill. My heart is telling me exactly where to go, and there's no stopping me now!

The Learning Stuff
Sometimes still the self-pity & wallowing come. When I feel like crying, I just try to let myself cry. But, I try not to wallow. A good friend in a far-away land told me about his dad. He said that when his dad would feel like a wreck about something, he would drive someplace quiet & pull over. Then he'd let himself cry for exactly 15 minutes. After that, he'd turn on the car, put it in gear, and keep going.

This was such an inspiring story. I have to be careful not to keep things all bottled up. But, if it's 15 minutes or 1 hour, at least I know there will be a limit on the crying. From there, I pray for strength to put one foot in front of the other. I pray for what the next step should be in that moment. I pray for the ability to let all this go.

The Body Stuff
Meanwhile, my body is not at its best, despite my head being better. I still have tremendous stress reactions. My ribcage is not responding well. There is tremendous overgripping in the left shoulder area. My pelvis is still often out of alignment. These are all way old patterns from when I was a kid. They were developed in times of great stress in my family environment, which was pretty much all the time.

I have no idea what to do about this. Other than regular acupuncture, massage, & yoga, it's a total mystery to me. Clearly the deeper aspects of grief, anxiety, fear, etc. are entering into my body unconsciously. So, how does a person become conscious of it? I can only think of just breathing, and paying attention to the aches & pains that arise. Anybody else have ideas on how to protect one's body from stress & heavy emotions?

Anyway, more posts to follow with some of my writings on grief & being present. Thanks for reading - enjoy your holidays, tell your spouse/partner you love them, buy a bunch of flowers for your table while you're at the grocery store, give a doggie a scratch behind his ear, and enjoy being alive. Happy Holidays to you & yours.

Labels: acupuncture, body, cancer, Christmas, family cancer, holidays, massage, new year, yoga

Breathe.

21:33 Two Dozen Hot Pokers

I *heart* acupuncture. Even though the needles often feel like hot pokers all over my back, they really work.

As many of my friends know, this whiplash injury has generated a lot of emotion. Besides the pain & discomfort, big reactions of anger & frustration have happened throughout the last month. It's mostly been a PTSD type reaction from abuse in childhood.

This results in me checking out a lot. I've had a tremendous amount of fear about facing my life, my boss, my friends, and myself. I have sometimes very lengthy space-out moments, wallowing in day-dream land of a life I want to live. Instead of just living it, right now, in the moment.

So, I haven't felt like talking about it much, or going out & meeting with people. Mainly it's because I'm trying to build my immune system back up, but also because I don't want to get crabby with people I love.

Despite the challenges, it's been a blessing in disguise. Hell, it could be worse! I could have a brain tumor! Or spinal cord tumor! I could be way more sick, like my mom & brother. It's just a whiplash, I'll live.

Even so, the blessing is these hot pokers twice a week have healed a lot of old injuries that surfaced as a result of the whiplash. I fell on my tailbone 10 years ago while walking up a stream bed in the Northern Australian rain forest. I wasn't able to see a chiro for 3 days. And then, I only had enough cash for a couple treatments. I had to carry my big-"ass" pack everywhere for several months. Needless to say, that injury got embedded "deep inside." (words in quotes are puns for later on in the show. Keep reading...) Well, it's out now!

So I found a Korean acupuncturist through my company's health care network. Yay! Only a $20 copay for really great treatments.

The first visit, she looked me up & down, and diagnosed a whole host of problems. Low blood pressure (hypotension), low blood flow or viscosity, pinched nerve in shoulder, mis-aligned hips, jammed sacrum, shoulder & shoulder blade tension, neck misalignment, and the list goes on. All the stuff that I had been barely scratching the surface on for several years through yoga & massage came out in one go. Plus, my lymph nodes were throbbing with weakness, causing several sinus infections/colds.

Once I finally got over the infections, I got my first treatment on my back. Everything was fine, and I didn't feel much until, WHAM! A hot poker was shoved up my ass! Wah! It felt like I was being skewered for a Korean BBQ. She had placed a needle to the left of my tailbone, right between the butt-cheeks. Holy Mother of God, it hurt.

I had dabbled with acupuncture before, but had never felt anything like this. It throbbed so badly, I had to ask the doc to take it out after 15 min. The sensation was so uncomfortable, I could barely breathe.

Now that several treatments have passed, I'm more mentally prepared for the hot-poker-up-the-butt-moment. However, tonight was the crowning jewel of ass-poking horror.

After the 2 dozen minor hot pokers were placed all throughout my back, neck, skull, buttocks, legs & feet, The Moment was imminent. I took a deep breath and let it go. The initial insertion is never the bad part, it's always when she jabs it further in & twists, to stimulate the meridian line. Holy punctures, Batman! By the 3rd time she jammed that sucker in there, I had squeezed my butt-cheeks so tight, she couldn't push it any further in. Much to my surprise, and chagrin, she crammed another needle in the same spot, right next to the first one! Ahh! That wasn't part of the regular routine! Danger Will Robinson!

By now, I knew I had to breathe. Breathing always helps to calm down that moment of panic when you think the pain is going to carrying on to such lengths that your entire body will simply split in two like an earthquake fault line. So, I breathed. And then I took some more breaths, and it wasn't so bad. Until...

A cool watery sensation trickled from the lower part of my belly, down the side of my abdomen area, and into my urethra. The nerve centers sent the message back to the mothership: you are about to pee.

And an unexpected panic moment pushed me off kilter:

*Ahh! No! Hold it in, hold it in, Sweet Jesus! Don't let out the pee! *

*squeeze*

Yup, the instantaneous involuntary reaction of my bladder to the waterfall in my abdomen resulted in a full-posterior muscle squeeze, further driving the hot pokers deeper into my tail-bone flesh. Lying face down on the table was the only thing preventing me from passing out. Oh, mercy.

Although I thought I'd emptied the jug close enough to the session, the ever cascading waterfall reminded me I had not. Maybe it was the way I was lying on my stomach that triggered such a relentless succession of tickling pee-vibes. Maybe it was simply too much black tea this afternoon.

Whatever it was, the tickling water torture kept up. I began repeating the mantra (in my head), "Keep breathing, and don't squeeze, keep breathing & don't squeeze NO MATTER WHAT."

But it was no use. After the 5th or 6th time of involuntarily committing self-torture by butt needle, I was at the end of my rope. No longer in a place of relaxation, I could tell the other hot-spot, the C7 vertebrae, was becoming more agitated. The doc had come in about 10 min prior to crank the heat lamp timer again. At that point, the needles hadn't become truly hot, and truly pokers, in my ass. It was still tolerable enough, and my determination to get the "full treatment" strong enough, I said nothing.

When the breaking point happened, I cried out, "Dr. Chen? Dr. Chen?" (names were changed to protect the innocent). No response. I figured since I was face down, my voice couldn't carry far enough back to her office.

"Dr. Chen? Dr. Chen??" I yelled with more force. I tried to lean slightly to my right side so my voice would echo off the floor & walls towards her office. By the third time I gave up.

"Maybe she's on the phone," I thought.

Meanwhile, I focused back on my breath, and on relaxing my abdomen as much as possible. I tried to Jedi-mind-trick myself into not generating the silky-smooth pee sensation anymore. Just when I thought I had beat this sucker, it happened again.

As tears filled my eyes from the wincing pain, I muttered, "Oh, God." My goose was cooked.

The challenge was taking a deep breath in to yell was just as painful on the butt needles as the pee thing! But, I knew my bladder will filling up, and fast. How much more bloating could I take before those needles popped right out & hit the ceiling? I wish! It was only going to go from bad to worse, I knew.

After several calming deep breathes, I drew in hard, "Dr. CHEN!" I yelled.

Silence.

I yelled several more times at the expense of my neck & ass.

Crickets.

Then it dawned on me after the good doctor cranked up the heat lamps, I heard the door entry alert go off. Had she left the office!?!?!

I know I was her last patient of the day, but this is not good. Not good at all.

I tried to focus on my successes. I was able to repress 3 or 4 squeezes in a row. But that was followed by 3 more uncontrollable ones.

With each one, I was good at fully relaxing, to minimize pokage as much as physically possible, given my situation. Success.

*Don't squeeze, don't squeeze, don't squee- ah! Motherf&^%er!* Setback.

It went on like this for what seemed like 10 million light years, although it was probably only 10 minutes. Finally, the door alert went off.

"Dr. Chen?!!?" I wailed. She heard me right way and came running.

"Butt, tail bone...needles!", I blurted out, eyes nearly rolling back into my head. Mercilessly she clucked her tongue and said, "You still have a few minutes left", but she started taking the needles out anyway, Thank You Jesus. Yes, there is a god, and it's called Acupuncture Needle Remover.

Once the needles were out, I could finally take a deep breath, in & out. She asked me about it, and after hearing my explanation, she queried, "Didn't you drain yourself before you came?" Apparently not enough, doc.

She then became nervous about doing any "cupping" on my low back, so I wouldn't pee. Bless her heart. But, I told her it was ok now that the hot pokers were out of my ass.

Once the treatment was completed, and my bee-line to the restroom completed, I felt great! The tightness in the tailbone is almost not there anymore. My walk & gait feel very free, using the elliptical yesterday gave me no problems. I feel like I could run a marathon!

And even now, standing at my bookshelf while typing this (because my neck became a little irritated while typing in a chair), the meridian from that ass-needle is still flickering. And, I walk a little bow-legged. That's ok, I own several cowgirl hats.

So, take my advice & get acupuncture. And get it from someone who has studied in Asia, and practiced many years. My doctor said hardly any practitioners are skillful enough to place the ass-needle properly, and won't do it. She gets referrals for ass-work all the time.

Until next time, needle jammers...

Labels: acupuncture, Eastern medicine, healing, health, needles, spine injury

Breathe.

23:21 Intensity

This ain't no Calvin Klein perfume ad, folks. This is the real deal.

You know how people use common phrases to talk about their current state like, "I was so nervous", or "He put my nerves on edge" or "Jangled my nerves"? Well, I know the origin of these phrases now. It comes from injuries to the central nervous system, like the whiplash I got two weeks ago.

It happened, sadly, from a freak hugging accident. A friend went to pick me up off the ground, and did so in such a way that I startled, resisted, and my head went flopping over my back like a dead fish. A bummer on many levels.

It's taken til now for me to speak about it because my experiences after that are what were the most challenging.

Apparently I had a cold coming on. The whiplash prevented my lymph system from working properly, and the cold germs got stuck in my upper body. My head & lungs became very infected. From an Eastern medicine perspective, my heart and liver were also weakened, along with my blood.

Emotionally, what triggered it was an incident that happened with my boss. On Day 3 of the whiplash, I took the risk of showing up at work for a few meetings with him. I don't want to go into all the details, but let's just say he was unhappy about my injury, and made sure that his anxiety & fear were heavily communicated in my direction.

By the evening, I was so ill my cranio -sacral bodyworker refused to see me. She said anything she did would make me worse, and that I needed to treat the infection ASAP. The next day I dragged my weary self to my acupuncture/herbal doctor. My blood pressure was so low by the time I got there, she diagnosed me with hypotension.

Meanwhile, I kept having a severe anger & rage reaction. Even my roommate said my seemingly uncontrollable spiral downward into anger was "uncharacteristic". While at the Eastern medicine doctor's office, she confirmed that the heat in my body would cause an anger reaction. The needles she put in that day helped me tremendously to start feeling better. The heat began to dissipate, and my sinus' finally began to drain. Boogers be gone!

It wasn't til a week later that I was well enough to receive bodywork. When I explained my emotionally reactive state to my massage therapist, she asked me, "Do you remember any times in childhood where your body was jarred, and it was against your will & you thought it was unfair?" Tears began flooding down my face as I replied, "It wasn't just one memory, it was 1,000's of memories. That was my entire childhood!"

I further explained my father's alcoholism, the physical abuse from him, as well as the non-stop rough-housing from my brothers. This was on top of the violation of sexual & physical abuse from my uncle when I was very young. On top of all this physical stuff, was the mental/emotional shutout I experienced from my brothers & my parents both. I didn't find my voice until high school, and by then I was so pent up with rage at being unseen, unheard, un-validated for so long that nobody wanted to listen to me then, either. Nobody likes hearing a teenager scream.

It's so hard to describe what this was like, day in & day out. That's not to say there weren't times of levity & fun. But, there was such little support of my person-hood, my autonomy, and my right to a healthy physical environment. My poor mother was doing the best she could. We had many wonderful moments together, but she only had so much bandwidth to defend me against my brothers' bullying & dominance. I told my roommate later, "Shit rolls down hill, and I was at the bottom of the hill."

By the age of 10, I had learned my feelings, thoughts, and opinions weren't valid. I learned to doubt my feelings, to doubt reality. I learned men were scary & bad. I learned my body was dirty, and would betray the emotions & vulnerability I held inside if I didn't control it. I learned that showing vulnerability meant others would prey on me. I learned nobody was safe, even family. These simply aren't the skills a child needs to launch successfully into adulthood.

What my bodyworker explained was the combination of whiplash and emotional battering from my boss caused a trauma reaction. It was like I had PTSD. Honestly, it was one of the scariest things I've ever witnessed myself doing. I truly had no control over my emotional state at all.

There has not been much for me to do to overcome this, except recognize it, keep reminding myself that I'm an adult, that none of the things that happened back then are happening now, and that I am safe, despite my mind's desire to think otherwise. Essentially, staying in the present moment has been my only salvation.

However! This is not a bad thing, and I'll tell you why: it's taught me how much unresolved stuff still lurks in my psyche. It taught me how much of my past I was putting on my boss. It taught me how much my nerves were on edge all the time from stress. But, that the stress was something I was encouraging, and bringing into my life by not taking care of myself. (That also includes saying the word "no" to my boss, or to work situations.) Most importantly, it taught me how much I ignored my basic needs, and pushed myself too hard.

Being horizontal for several days in a row was quite humbling. I had to listen to my body's need to lie down, no matter what. I had to sleep when I needed to sleep, whether I wanted to or not.

Be careful what you wish for! On the top of my New Year's Resolution list was "I want to slow down this year, for real." Well, I've been pretty darn slow these last two weeks, but it's ok. I'm getting used to it. I told my boss succinctly what I can & can't do, and when I can't or can go into the office. I asked my roommate & friends to help with picking things up, so I don't strain my back. I've stayed away from any physical sports activities (the hardest part for sure). I've been watching lots of NHL games online. I've fixed up my resume. I've tidied up my room. Bought an electric blanket to help with the chilly Winter nights. And I'm getting back into cooking. Oh, and catching up on my light reading.

AND, I've been writing a lot! I'm continuing to record jokes & performance ideas for some comedy I'd like to do. These horizontal days have not been wasted, for sure.

The best part, though, is I learned to see yet another area where my mind plays tricks on me. The reality is that I'm safe & sound and surrounded by wonderful, loving friends. Even my crabby boss doesn't put me in any immediate life or death danger. But my mind thinks otherwise. My mind thinks my vulnerability will result in pain, suffering, or possibly even death. It's not true, and I see how this hidden belief has hindered many areas of my life.

It's caused me not to believe I have something to write, something to say on a stage, or something to teach others. It's caused me to believe my career is fulfilling, when it isn't. It's caused me to "settle" for this career, when it's not what I want. Most importantly, it's caused me to sabotage just about every love relationship I've tried. The fears I have around my own safety and men clearly run roots very deep into my psychic soil.

All in all, it's been a good experience. Anything that is this rich & deeply revealing about myself is a good idea, in my book. Truthfully, I am grateful that this whiplash happened to me, at this time in my life. Any chance to set off the wick that will lead to an emotional catharsis fireworks explosion always results in an "Ooh" and "Ahh" of delight at the end, when I see the ball of color floating in the sky.

Alright that last metaphor was a stretch - time to go to sleep.

One last thing: had all the cancer & crazy challenges last year not happened, my understanding and awareness in this circumstance would not be so expansive. Another moment of gratitude...

Labels: acupuncture, cranio-sacral, family abuse, gratitude, healing, self-help, whiplash

Breathe.