This ain't no Calvin Klein perfume ad, folks. This is the real deal.
You know how people use common phrases to talk about their current state like, "I was so nervous", or "He put my nerves on edge" or "Jangled my nerves"? Well, I know the origin of these phrases now. It comes from injuries to the central nervous system, like the whiplash I got two weeks ago.
It happened, sadly, from a freak hugging accident. A friend went to pick me up off the ground, and did so in such a way that I startled, resisted, and my head went flopping over my back like a dead fish. A bummer on many levels.
It's taken til now for me to speak about it because my experiences after that are what were the most challenging.
Apparently I had a cold coming on. The whiplash prevented my lymph system from working properly, and the cold germs got stuck in my upper body. My head & lungs became very infected. From an Eastern medicine perspective, my heart and liver were also weakened, along with my blood.
Emotionally, what triggered it was an incident that happened with my boss. On Day 3 of the whiplash, I took the risk of showing up at work for a few meetings with him. I don't want to go into all the details, but let's just say he was unhappy about my injury, and made sure that his anxiety & fear were heavily communicated in my direction.
By the evening, I was so ill my
cranio-sacral bodyworker refused to see me. She said anything she did would make me worse, and that I needed to treat the infection ASAP. The next day I dragged my weary self to my acupuncture/herbal doctor. My blood pressure was so low by the time I got there, she diagnosed me with
hypotension.
Meanwhile, I kept having a severe anger & rage reaction. Even my roommate said my seemingly uncontrollable spiral downward into anger was "uncharacteristic". While at the Eastern medicine doctor's office, she confirmed that the heat in my body would cause an anger reaction. The needles she put in that day helped me tremendously to start feeling better. The heat began to dissipate, and my sinus' finally began to drain. Boogers be gone!
It wasn't til a week later that I was well enough to receive bodywork. When I explained my emotionally reactive state to my massage therapist, she asked me, "Do you remember any times in childhood where your body was jarred, and it was against your will & you thought it was unfair?" Tears began flooding down my face as I replied, "It wasn't just one memory, it was 1,000's of memories. That was my entire childhood!"
I further explained my father's alcoholism, the physical abuse from him, as well as the non-stop rough-housing from my brothers. This was on top of the violation of sexual & physical abuse from my uncle when I was very young. On top of all this physical stuff, was the mental/emotional shutout I experienced from my brothers & my parents both. I didn't find my voice until high school, and by then I was so pent up with rage at being unseen, unheard, un-validated for so long that nobody wanted to listen to me then, either. Nobody likes hearing a teenager scream.
It's so hard to describe what this was like, day in & day out. That's not to say there weren't times of levity & fun. But, there was such little support of my person-hood, my autonomy, and my right to a healthy physical environment. My poor mother was doing the best she could. We had many wonderful moments together, but she only had so much bandwidth to defend me against my brothers' bullying & dominance. I told my roommate later, "Shit rolls down hill, and I was at the bottom of the hill."
By the age of 10, I had learned my feelings, thoughts, and opinions weren't valid. I learned to doubt my feelings, to doubt reality. I learned men were scary & bad. I learned my body was dirty, and would betray the emotions & vulnerability I held inside if I didn't control it. I learned that showing vulnerability meant others would prey on me. I learned nobody was safe, even family. These simply aren't the skills a child needs to launch successfully into adulthood.
What my bodyworker explained was the combination of whiplash and emotional battering from my boss caused a trauma reaction. It was like I had
PTSD. Honestly, it was one of the scariest things I've ever witnessed myself doing. I truly had no control over my emotional state at all.
There has not been much for me to do to overcome this, except recognize it, keep reminding myself that I'm an adult, that none of the things that happened back then are happening now, and that I am safe, despite my mind's desire to think otherwise. Essentially, staying in the present moment has been my only salvation.
However! This is not a bad thing, and I'll tell you why: it's taught me how much unresolved stuff still lurks in my psyche. It taught me how much of my past I was putting on my boss. It taught me how much my nerves were on edge all the time from stress. But, that the stress was something I was encouraging, and bringing into my life by not taking care of myself. (That also includes saying the word "no" to my boss, or to work situations.) Most importantly, it taught me how much I ignored my basic needs, and pushed myself too hard.
Being horizontal for several days in a row was quite humbling. I had to listen to my body's need to lie down, no matter what. I had to sleep when I needed to sleep, whether I wanted to or not.
Be careful what you wish for! On the top of my New Year's Resolution list was "I want to slow down this year, for real." Well, I've been pretty darn slow these last two weeks, but it's ok. I'm getting used to it. I told my boss succinctly what I can & can't do, and when I can't or can go into the office. I asked my roommate & friends to help with picking things up, so I don't strain my back. I've stayed away from any physical sports activities (the hardest part for sure). I've been watching lots of NHL games online. I've fixed up my resume. I've tidied up my room. Bought an electric blanket to help with the chilly Winter nights. And I'm getting back into cooking. Oh, and catching up on my light reading.
AND, I've been writing a lot! I'm continuing to record jokes & performance ideas for some comedy I'd like to do. These horizontal days have not been wasted, for sure.
The best part, though, is I learned to see yet another area where my mind plays tricks on me. The reality is that I'm safe & sound and surrounded by wonderful, loving friends. Even my crabby boss doesn't put me in any immediate life or death danger. But my mind thinks otherwise. My mind thinks my vulnerability will result in pain, suffering, or possibly even death. It's not true, and I see how this hidden belief has hindered many areas of my life.
It's caused me not to believe I have something to write, something to say on a stage, or something to teach others. It's caused me to believe my career is fulfilling, when it isn't. It's caused me to "settle" for this career, when it's not what I want. Most importantly, it's caused me to sabotage just about every love relationship I've tried. The fears I have around my own safety and men clearly run roots very deep into my psychic soil.
All in all, it's been a good experience. Anything that is this rich & deeply revealing about myself is a good idea, in my book. Truthfully, I am grateful that this whiplash happened to me, at this time in my life. Any chance to set off the wick that will lead to an emotional catharsis fireworks explosion always results in an "Ooh" and "Ahh" of delight at the end, when I see the ball of color floating in the sky.
Alright that last metaphor was a stretch - time to go to sleep.
One last thing: had all the cancer & crazy challenges last year not happened, my understanding and awareness in this circumstance would not be so expansive. Another moment of gratitude...
Labels: acupuncture, cranio-sacral, family abuse, gratitude, healing, self-help, whiplash
