Unravel Cancer: Experiences with family battling cancer

06 December 2009

22:37 Continuing Amends to myself

I've been contemplating joining a second twelve step group in recent weeks, and it seems inevitable that I do. Today was a day met with much intensity and heartache.

I had been seeing a fellow since Halloween, and he decided to end it. We had a very respectful and integrity-based conversation. There were so many things to celebrate! But, yet it was so bittersweet, too.

At first, I returned home from these meetings quite emotionally raw. In the spirit of thee fellowships, I reached out to call some people in the group. With relief, a gal answered, and I told her about my situation.

The main emotions were not those surrounding the dude politely dumping me, but around my fear of surrendering to this new program. It had been quite terrifying to be "new" at something again, something of these deep spiritual levels. Frankly, I don't want to take the time to work Yet Another Bloody 12-Step Program. I thought I could dabble in this as a "supplement" to my other program.

But, I see, once again, how much my own actions contributed to this situation with this guy. My own lack of boundaries on the physical stuff intimacy; my own clingy behavior as I felt him pull away; my own deep sense of mistrust & sensitivity.

On the flip side, things to celebrate are: we didn't hop in the sack the first month! We ended the situation with compassion, respect, and care for each other. I set an example of taking responsibility for my feelings, and not making it his problem. I'm mostly not taking this all personally.

Turns out his ex got in touch with him & wanted to get back together. It really threw him for a loop. He wanted to be respectful of me & not hurt my feelings by stringing me along. This was one quality I really admired in him. He has a high sense of integrity.

There were plenty of other things I respected & liked about this person. You can bring a horse to water, but you can't force it to drink. If he didn't like me back well enough, I can't make him. I can't make him want a long-term relationship if he doesn't want it.

Going back to the meeting, it brought up so much about my fears, my intimacy issues, and my patterns & habits. How come I chose to date someone who, yet again, was not emotionally available? He revealed today that this ex & he had tried to get back together several times over the last year.

The resounding answer I've gotten today, and much of the last week regarding other topics like work, is to trust. Trust in my HP to guide me to the next right person and/or situation. The thing that was so hard to accept tonight was that my HP was guiding me to this second 12-step program. It seems hard to face this area of my life, and I'm scared.

But, what's the worse that could happen? I get happy? I start to respect myself more? I clean house & heal enough to get into a stable, long-term relationship? If that's the worse, sign me up!

So, here I am, on step one of a new program, trying to be gentle to myself, and have compassion for him too. It's truly a sign of integrity to admit that what you have to offer someone isn't what they deserve, that they deserve better.

My loneliness marches on. At least now I have a safe place to go to carry that heavy weight, and use the tools of this new program and the fellowship there to ease the burden.

Again, my ego has been severely checked, and I've humbly got on my knees, asking for help. It's something I know I have to do, but it's with a lot of begrudgement. *sigh*

I almost forgot how to tie this to the topic - forgiving myself for being imperfect, treating myself with respect & self-care, and not being so hard on myself are all ways of making amends to myself. Joining this second program is a way to do this, too. That was the point, thanks. :)

Labels: 12 step, 1st step, loneliness, program call, SLAA

Breathe.

23:47 Lust

It's been a long while since I posted, but this is a topic that's been on my mind, and thought it warranted a quick post.

Lust is a powerful drug. It took me weeks to "come off" the high of this last dude. My hormones were in such overload, I thought I would explode. It was even bad during my period - go figure! TMI, maybe yes, but fact is girls feel sexual stuff, too. And trust me when I say, I'm leaving out a _lot_ of details.

Anyway, experiencing the physical withdrawal brought about much new understanding about my actions & behavior. So much so, that when I told my new sponsor about it, she recommended a new 12-step group that specifically focuses on sex & love issues.

Holy crud, not another program! Will I ever get my life back?! Is there such a thing as too much processing?

Despite my resistance, going to these meetings really helps. People talk about their issues with dating & sex, etc. with such a loving frankness, it's blown my mind. What they have done, is capture a language around what we all have experienced. Having the structure of words to describe my experiences has exponentially increased my understanding of my own dating & love & (let's face it) lust issues.

Lust is a blocker. It's one of the best ways to block out my feelings of loneliness, block out my fears, block out emotional intimacy between me & the other person, block out the reality of a potential incompatibility, and the list goes on.

It also blocked out my ability to make good choices with my work. And it blocked out my connection with my sponsor, and my Higher Power. It is one of the most solid walls, or blocking surfaces ever created.

But, damn, it feels good!

Lust makes me feel alive. It provides me lots of attention, and feeling desired feels nice. Plus, it can drive some really amazing sex...

But, I've come to realize Lust is not what I want in a relationship. It will prevent long-term seeds from being planted, like making the soil too acid or alkaline. It's one thing to have some amount in the "honeymoon period" of a new relationship; but it's an entirely other thing to have it be the foundation of the whole enchilada. If there is not other intimacy, friend intimacy, etc., then 9 times out of 10 things will fall apart.

This does not apply to everyone. I've met several people who have started a relationship based on the physical, and it lasted many years. In one case, the couple have been married for 15 years.

But for me, personally, lust-based hookups don't last. It's really my preference to get to know the person better, and have some knowledge or understanding of them before hopping in the sack. It creates safety for me, allowing me to relax & be care-free.

I'm passing out at the keyboard, so that's all I got...

Labels: 12 step, intimacy, lust, recovery

Breathe.

18:25 Sponsor

My sponsor left a message for me today saying she didn't want to work with me anymore. It's very sad.

She was one of the first people I met in my 12-step group that seemed to have something different than all the rest. Instead of having problems, she had solutions. The first time I met her, she was a speaker at a meeting I was attending regularly. Her share blew me away. People say you should ask someone to be your sponsor if they have something you want. Well, she had it.

She had hope, compassion, drive, and a method to working the steps that seemed radically different, and more active, than anything else I'd heard of before.

By being dishonest with her, I ruined my chance of experiencing the great recovery she has. Many program friends have said, one sponsor is not the end-all, be-all to the program. Everyone has something to teach.

With this sponsor, I felt like I was truly healing my past, cleansing myself of the hurt & pain I caused other people, and re-programming my heart to operate on a level closer to my Higher Power. It was so terrifying to admit what I was hiding. But, that one action, has brought me closer to God more than anything.

What's so sad for me, though, is that I feel there is so much more for me to learn from her. My eyes were finally opened to just how much my life becomes unmanageable when I date someone. My fears, resentments, assumptions, and past pain surface so quickly, causing my dating partner a lot of emotional harm.

My sponsor suffered from these same problems; now I'll never know how she overcame them. My fear is that I'll continue to wallow in this crazy dating pattern time & time again. I truly felt like my sponsor had found a way to break that cycle of madness with romantic relationships. I guess I"ll have to figure it out on my own.

It's also sad for me that she couldn't use this experience as grist for the mill. The last 2 weeks have been such a wealth of new understanding about myself, my disease of alcoholism, and how it affects my relationships, that it's a shame those lessons can't be brought into the fold of work with this sponsor.

There's a feeling of dread & doom lurking over my shoulders. It's been hard to shake this notion that I screwed my own self over, and my chance to recover & heal. What was I thinking?

I was thinking that this boy was really charming, that he was sweet & nice, that he really cared for me, and that "this time would be different". Somehow, I thought I could prove my sponsor wrong, that I wasn't as screwed up as she was. Instead, it was a very large #fail.

All I can do is move on, and trust that my HP has something else in store for me. My relationship with this sponsor had been rough-going quite often. But, it did humble me. Maybe now I can truly submit to my HP's plan. Maybe some wonderful amazing things will happen as a result! Who knows...

Meanwhile, it's time to shop around for another sponsor. The thought of starting the steps all over again is a true bummer. But, I have to do it. I can't stop now...

Labels: 12 step, fear, honesty, sponsorship

Breathe.

21:53 Perspective

My friends, both in and out of my 12-step program, are the most amazing people on the planet. I’m so truly lucky & blessed to have these people in my life.

Last weekend, an incident happened with a person I was dating for about 6 weeks. After he left, I felt gut-wrenched, and called a dear friend, whom I admire & respect, especially when it comes to relationships. She’s like a personal Dr. Ruth!

After I explained the situation, she helped bring some things to light for me. When we hung up, my heart sank to the pit of my belly. I realized what had happened and what I needed to do. But, I told myself to sleep on it, and see how I felt in the morning.

The next morning, I woke with a start, and the first thought in my head was, “I can’t see this person anymore. I’m repeating the same patterns of all my past relationships. This is unhealthy madness, and I need to stop it, if I have any chance at completing the steps.”

From there, the whole rest of the day was spent with mind a-spin, testing out one script after another, editing, cutting out sentences or words, to whittle my thoughts down into what I wanted to say.

I grabbed him for 15 min on the way out of work (yes, unfortunately, we work at the same company. Different departments, though, thankfully). I can’t recall being so nervous in a long while; later it occurred to me I didn’t know how he would react, so I was nervous and a little scared.

Now for some horn tooting: I expressed myself clearly, and articulately, without judgment, scorn or shame on him. I told him what I had done wrong, and apologized sincerely for it.

In his characteristic style, he didn’t respond much at all – a veiled facial expression at best. That was fine with me. I didn’t care at that point. What mattered was I put an end to a modus operendi that had been flourishing, not for lack of my emotional fertilizer, for most of my dating life. Part of my nervousness resulted in knowing just how big a deal this was.

For this time around, my self-destructive and relationship-destructive behavior came to the forefront. I recognized how self-obsessed I am about my feelings in relation to another person’s action. Constantly nit-picking at someone what I don’t like about their actions, consequently making their actions all about me, would drive any halfway sane person to madness. I did this.

Adding to the mix, is the fact I kept my clandestine dating away from my sponsor. All of me and the boi’s interactions where behind my sponsor’s back. Just like the fellow in the Big Book that thinks drinking whiskey with milk won’t affect him, so to I fell into the same “it can’t possibly happen to me” mentality.

Beyond risking my step-work, my relationship to my sponsor, as well as my relationship to my Higher Power, I also risked my job. At one point the addiction to lust was so great, I dialed-in late to a very important meeting, with executives attending, because the boi & I were fooling around one morning at his place instead of working. My boss read me the riot act. The next week, again exhausted from a late night at his house, I was late for another meeting. I thought I’d lose my job.

All this for a boi.

Now the perspective of my foolishness has come into the light. Now my understanding of the disease of alcoholism has revealed its scaly underbelly to me. Now I know just how truly sick I am.

Don’t take this the wrong way – I’m not self-flagellating in a co-dependent way. Obviously the boi played a part in this too. But how much of his actions were a result of my mad selfishness? How much did his ugly side come out as a result of my manipulation & judgment?

One of my program friends said that we attract people that are the same emotional level as us. The sting of this truth could only be healed with spiritual Neosporin. (Deosporin?) At the end of the day, in looking at all my failed romantic relationships, the common denominator was me. After all sorts of guys, from all walks of life, dating me was the only thread throughout.

By the grace of a Power greater than myself, it is now plainly in my vision the lack of respect I have for myself, the ways I slip into physical intimacy so easily, and my selfish handling of requests of my time. I’ve hurt a lot of people, including myself.

The other challenge I face, is women all around me seem to not have this problem. They can hop in the sack with someone fairly early on and still develop a relationship based on that. My desire for old-fashioned courtship seems out-of-touch. Maybe what drove me to this tryst was the fear that if I asked for what I really wanted, I wouldn’t get it. If I had asked him to put the entire relationship on ice, he’d say no. But what if he had said yes? What if I gave him the opportunity to be chivalrous & respectful? Maybe he would have walked down that path… And, maybe we’d be in a totally different place right now - one of mutual respect and understanding.

And if he had said no, Eff ‘em.

My only hope is that gaining this perspective can lead me to healing & peace, a life truly without fear. Now that the thick moat of Denial has been sieged, and the castle walls of my self-absorption are crumbling, maybe these character defects will truly be removed.

And a gracious, humble, and love-filled Thank You to my friends for your support, and help in giving me perspective.

Labels: 12 step, al-anon sponsor, alcoholism, friend support, honesty, selfishness

Breathe.

13:39 Today's Climbing

A strange thing happened at the gym this morning...

I was looking for a climbing partner after bouldering, and a guy in a nice couple said I could join him & his girlfriend. Turns out, I went on a climbing date with him a couple years ago. It didn't work out. He seemed kinda controlling, and really weird when we tried to make another meetup to climb outdoors.

But, he's been dating this nice gal for about a year, and they seem to be happy! He seemed mellow & great, not agro & egotistical like when I met him before.

The girlfriend was nice, and she told me she started climbing because otherwise she would never see her beau. Turns out she had tried it once before, and loved it, but didn't know how to meet others & get better. (Seems like a case of shyness to me, since climbers are generally friendly folk & like to help newbies) Anyway, the dude taught her everything she knew, which an observer could tell, because she climbed all with muscle & not much technique. Doh...

But, this instance reminded me of a convo with some friends of mine in town last Tuesday. When I mentioned I was dating, my pal from CO was aghast (!) that the guy was not a climber. Yup, shocking as it might seem, I'm not dating a climber. He said if he ever wanted to travel on an overseas trip, it would be to climb, so he couldn't share it with his girlfriend if she didn't climb. My other pal said he thought that was ok, because it's good to have a thing you do outside of the relationship. He said it's good for a person to be passionate about something.

Both sides have great points that I agree with. My story is that I tried to date a climber here or there, but it didn't work out. It often was hard to listen to the guy instruct me & school me. If I had learned of something different or wanted to try something new, it became a point of tension. One guy was really patronizing, talking to me like I was 5 years old. :( At the end of the day, the high level of controlling behavior and extreme opinionated-ness, killed the romance.

I've also tried to date non-climbers recently, and that's hard too. My recent boi expressed his observation about my addiction to climbing. He said I was "obsessed". Since all the evidence pointed to that, I had to concede, albeit sheepishly.

What's making it hard, is he is the type of person that demands my full attention all the time. When we are together, it's not satisfying to him if we're in the same room just reading, or doing chores & chatting. He wants me on his lap & riveted on him. While this is really fun, it's also made it hard for me to get all my stuff done.

More on the hardness of relationships in a few.

Meanwhile, I'm not sure what to do. I'm trying to make more time for him, primarily by doing less yoga. That has now come back to haunt me in a right hip pain that won't quit. Not to worry - it's the same one that surfaces when I'm stressed, under slept, too active, and not taking care of myself...

I'm also trying to suggest non-active things to do together, like a play or a show. At the beginning, he suggested lots of stuff too. But, since 12-step meetings & climbing are essential to my mental health, he's backed off.

Now I wonder if we'll survive. I really like this person, and think he's great in so many ways. The more we talk, the more we stay open & strive to get to know one another, the happier I become. I just hope we can find a way to keep spending time with each other, while not having to compromise a core part of the other's life.

So, we carry on. I pray, I ask my Higher Power for help, and to take away the spinning craziness in my mind about this, and just accept whatever is meant to be. It's hard to let go, but that's the only way for _me_ to be at peace, and for our budding romance to have a chance.

Labels: 12 step, dating, fear, relationships, rock climbing, romance

Breathe.

08:22 Cleaning

It's been a long time since I posted. The primary reason is I've been focusing on the "fearless and moral inventory" that is the 4th Step in 12-step groups. I've been writing down all the resentments I've ever known, over my entire life. So far, there are over 800 entries. I'm only just mid-way through my 20's...

Anyway, since it's taking a while, my sponsor decided to begin the 5th step with me, which is to "admit to God and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs". There I was, a few days ago, sitting in her beautiful back yard adjacent to the East Bay hills. From over the roof of her house you could see brown grass, green trees, and blue sky, with hawks circling above. The classic California vista.

Fittingly, she was pulling weeds in they yard, as I methodically went through, line by line, each resentment, and each list of character defects. The breeze was blowing, and her black kitty cat was purring and mewing. Some of the entries were funny, some were poignant. Some she could relate to, others she acknowledged with a nod.

The process was exhausting, but also a relief. We didn't get through all the entries that day, but something was transformed. Shame about my inner world, about the things my crazy brain tells me were revealed to someone else. There was no place to hide. Yet, I wasn't required to "let it go". That's not what the 4th step is about. My sponsor acknowledged that help comes later, from my Higher Power, in the form of surrender and asking for removal of the defects of character. That was such a relief, because there were some challenging resentments that I still felt in my gut as I was speaking them out loud to her.

Afterwards, exhausted, empty, yet peaceful, I went to Ikea. The perfect American consumer response to a spiritual awakening. However! This is significant, because it was the first time almost since I moved, that I felt comfortable buying something for my house. Upon returning home, motivation actually surfaced enough to get me cleaning my house, and putting together the lamp and picture frame I had bought. It sounds disgusting, but it was the first time I dusted my room since I moved. Between not being here, and rushing to get back into a work routine, there's been no motivation.

With the cleansing of my deepest darkest fears, resentments, hatreds, and ill will, I was finally willing to clean my house. Buddhists often say "an ordered space lends itself to an ordered mind." Moving through the 4th and 5th step work finally opened up space to tidy up. It sounds silly, but when dealing with heavy emotions or stress from work (which I've had a lot of lately), it's easy to get lazy. The time I spend caring for my space is a reflection on my level of internal peace.

Anyway, call me a nut, but the parallel seemed obvious and kinda cool.

The other big gift of the 4th & 5th step have been the realization that all this pain & grief really was a gift. The tough experiences I've had this year opened me up to examine the patterns of my mind, my self-centeredness, my self-absorption. As a society we are often very "feeling" focused. The traditional therapeutic model supports this. ("And how does that make you feel?") For folks who are shut down, and don't know their feelings, that's great. Even in my early 12-step years, I needed to learn how to accurately identify my feelings. Growing up with alcoholism and abuse created a lot of confusion about what feelings were, which ones were "ok" to have and not, etc.

But now that feelings are clearer and more comprehensible to me, it's time to move on. Certainly I'll still have feelings, but they won't control my whole day, or rule my decisions. The step process outlined in 4 & 5 gives me an opportunity to step back from my feelings, become more of an observer, and not be so married to them. Frankly, it feels great. Many times I've shared in meetings and with my sponsor that, "I'm sick of my own self". If I let myself go to DramaVille, it'll be a whirlpool of madness I spin in every single day. Finally, I'm getting relief from the drama my own mind concocts.

Why am I like this? How did I get this way? These are questions I often ask myself. While there is no one answer, a lot of it has to do with being raised in chaos. When home life is unstable, children learn to adjust to it to cope. Later in life, once that child becomes an adult, that coping can sometimes translate into a thrive on drama. The person creates drama for themselves to replicate what they had as a child. In a twisted way, it's comfortable. It's what they are used to. Finally! A process that's teaching me how to cut through that drama, and through the negative thinking that was developed in childhood. Finally, I can come back to my true nature.

There's a lot more exciting stuff as a result of this process, but meanwhile, I must return to work. Stay tuned...

Labels: 12 step, 4th step, 5th step, family cancer, healing, inventory

Breathe.

16:59 Denver

There's so much to say about being in Denver for 4 weeks. Firstly, I had no idea what to expect. The last time I spent any significant time there, was the summer before my Sophomore year of college. I was totally lost, doing lots of drugs, getting into trouble, barely holding down a job, and hanging out with lots of rough characters.

I was scared of dating, and didn't know how to. I was scared of making good friends, and left people who "wronged" me in the dust, for fear of becoming too attached. I didn't take responsibility for anything, and felt the world was out to get me. This is what happens when a person grows up in an abusive home, rampant with alcoholism and dysfunction in general. A warning to all you parents out there...

But, despite those days, I've made a point to overcome my past. In flew my plane to Denver, and my heart was open to whatever would reveal itself to me; like a lotus bud waiting to flower on a pond. Also, I was so focused on how to get through each day with my mom, that I pushed any judgement about Denver aside.

Boy, I'm so glad I did!

Secondly, it turns out that some of the most amazing, beautiful, loving, caring, and compassionate people live in Denver, and I was lucky enough to meet them! I met wonderful people at the Iyengar Yoga studio ( http://iyengaryogacenter.com/ ) and got some bodywork done from one of the instructors there. The circumstances forced me to try something new, and move away from my usual yoga teacher in SF (whom I still love). It was so neat to learn new techniques for the same poses I've done for years. It helped me to keep Beginner's Mind.

Thirdly, the people at the 12-step group meetings that I attended were totally fantastic! I've never felt so welcomed, so loved unconditionally, than in those groups. The Joy group and the Sunday night Lakewood group were completely amazing. As a result, I've been blessed with deep connections with incredible people that will last a lifetime. I even got a self-care package from Melissa with tons of goodies! You rock, girl!

And lastly, the climbers I met at Thrill Seekers gym ( http://www.thrillseekers.cc/ ) were hella amazing! Dave & Josh treated me to a fantastic day trip to the Dream Canyon of upper Boulder Creek (I'll post photos soon), and Troy & Derek took me to the Capitalist Crag of the Clear Creek Canyon. Bence didn't come outdoors to climb, but he showed me this super cool house that he built. And, he pushed me hard in the gym - what any climber would ask for from a more experienced partner.

All in all, it was a completely & totally amazing experience. People who barely knew me a week were so incredibly supportive, caring, and helpful to me. All these folks opened their hearts to me, in a way that will touch me forever. it just goes to show, that when someone has a bad day, you never know what they are going through. Go the extra mile to offer compassion to them. You never know who you might touch, and lift up, even for just a moment.

The capacity for the human soul to care & offer compassion to others is truly a miracle. I will take this feeling with me, and try to practice it in all my affairs.

Thank you, Denver.

Labels: 12 step, alcoholism, Boulder Creek, cancer, Clear Creek, Colorado, Denver, drug use, family abuse, family cancer, friend cancer, iyengar, rock climbing, yoga

Breathe.