Unravel Cancer: Experiences with family battling cancer

22 October 2009

21:53 Perspective

My friends, both in and out of my 12-step program, are the most amazing people on the planet. I’m so truly lucky & blessed to have these people in my life.

Last weekend, an incident happened with a person I was dating for about 6 weeks. After he left, I felt gut-wrenched, and called a dear friend, whom I admire & respect, especially when it comes to relationships. She’s like a personal Dr. Ruth!

After I explained the situation, she helped bring some things to light for me. When we hung up, my heart sank to the pit of my belly. I realized what had happened and what I needed to do. But, I told myself to sleep on it, and see how I felt in the morning.

The next morning, I woke with a start, and the first thought in my head was, “I can’t see this person anymore. I’m repeating the same patterns of all my past relationships. This is unhealthy madness, and I need to stop it, if I have any chance at completing the steps.”

From there, the whole rest of the day was spent with mind a-spin, testing out one script after another, editing, cutting out sentences or words, to whittle my thoughts down into what I wanted to say.

I grabbed him for 15 min on the way out of work (yes, unfortunately, we work at the same company. Different departments, though, thankfully). I can’t recall being so nervous in a long while; later it occurred to me I didn’t know how he would react, so I was nervous and a little scared.

Now for some horn tooting: I expressed myself clearly, and articulately, without judgment, scorn or shame on him. I told him what I had done wrong, and apologized sincerely for it.

In his characteristic style, he didn’t respond much at all – a veiled facial expression at best. That was fine with me. I didn’t care at that point. What mattered was I put an end to a modus operendi that had been flourishing, not for lack of my emotional fertilizer, for most of my dating life. Part of my nervousness resulted in knowing just how big a deal this was.

For this time around, my self-destructive and relationship-destructive behavior came to the forefront. I recognized how self-obsessed I am about my feelings in relation to another person’s action. Constantly nit-picking at someone what I don’t like about their actions, consequently making their actions all about me, would drive any halfway sane person to madness. I did this.

Adding to the mix, is the fact I kept my clandestine dating away from my sponsor. All of me and the boi’s interactions where behind my sponsor’s back. Just like the fellow in the Big Book that thinks drinking whiskey with milk won’t affect him, so to I fell into the same “it can’t possibly happen to me” mentality.

Beyond risking my step-work, my relationship to my sponsor, as well as my relationship to my Higher Power, I also risked my job. At one point the addiction to lust was so great, I dialed-in late to a very important meeting, with executives attending, because the boi & I were fooling around one morning at his place instead of working. My boss read me the riot act. The next week, again exhausted from a late night at his house, I was late for another meeting. I thought I’d lose my job.

All this for a boi.

Now the perspective of my foolishness has come into the light. Now my understanding of the disease of alcoholism has revealed its scaly underbelly to me. Now I know just how truly sick I am.

Don’t take this the wrong way – I’m not self-flagellating in a co-dependent way. Obviously the boi played a part in this too. But how much of his actions were a result of my mad selfishness? How much did his ugly side come out as a result of my manipulation & judgment?

One of my program friends said that we attract people that are the same emotional level as us. The sting of this truth could only be healed with spiritual Neosporin. (Deosporin?) At the end of the day, in looking at all my failed romantic relationships, the common denominator was me. After all sorts of guys, from all walks of life, dating me was the only thread throughout.

By the grace of a Power greater than myself, it is now plainly in my vision the lack of respect I have for myself, the ways I slip into physical intimacy so easily, and my selfish handling of requests of my time. I’ve hurt a lot of people, including myself.

The other challenge I face, is women all around me seem to not have this problem. They can hop in the sack with someone fairly early on and still develop a relationship based on that. My desire for old-fashioned courtship seems out-of-touch. Maybe what drove me to this tryst was the fear that if I asked for what I really wanted, I wouldn’t get it. If I had asked him to put the entire relationship on ice, he’d say no. But what if he had said yes? What if I gave him the opportunity to be chivalrous & respectful? Maybe he would have walked down that path… And, maybe we’d be in a totally different place right now - one of mutual respect and understanding.

And if he had said no, Eff ‘em.

My only hope is that gaining this perspective can lead me to healing & peace, a life truly without fear. Now that the thick moat of Denial has been sieged, and the castle walls of my self-absorption are crumbling, maybe these character defects will truly be removed.

And a gracious, humble, and love-filled Thank You to my friends for your support, and help in giving me perspective.

Labels: 12 step, al-anon sponsor, alcoholism, friend support, honesty, selfishness

Breathe.

00:27 Rollercoaster: Sponsor

Two weekends ago, I went on a really great date with someone. We both had so much fun, that we wanted to see each other again.

Although my sponsor recommended that I don't date til I've completed my 9th step, I wasn't sure I could put this fledgling romance on ice that long, or even if the dude would understand. I left a message telling her about it.

In addition to this, my sponsor and I had planned to meet for the 5th step on Saturday. But, I realized that I had a massage appointment scheduled for the evening before. I asked if we could pick a different venue, or if her schedule was flexible enough to change the day. But, I knew she was busy, and so I told her it's ok if it didn't work out, just to let me know what she could do either way.

Each day, as instructed, I called my sponsor and left a daily check-in message, and at the end, asked her about the Saturday slot and what the options might be.

A few days later, I received a scathing message from my sponsor: she didn't want to work with me anymore. She said I should have changed the massage appointment, and that I wasn't respecting her time, because she's got 10 sponsees, blah de blah. And Another Thing: she already talked to me about the 9th step "no dating" rule, and since I seem to continue to ignore it, she can't work with me.

Hearing this was a blow to the gut. All the air in my lungs left, and I gasped with the receiver to my ear. It was so disheartening. All this, only days after I had finished the 4th step. No congratulations on the 4th step at all. The only acknowledgement of my hard work was very perfunctory. I couldn't believe she would quit on me now, after the huge hurdle I had just overcome.

All afternoon, and most of the evening & next morning were spent stewing on the tragedy, wheels spinning in my head on what a victim I was. Then came the self-flagellation on how selfish and self-absorbed I was. Until finally, the next morning after my morning yoga practice, I got down on my knees and prayed to my Higher Power to help me let go of this sponsor. I accepted that maybe she was not the right sponsor for me, and that my HP would put the right person in my life.

I left a message for her that morning saying I was willing to talk, since she offered to. When she called back, it was late in the workday. But truly, I was too scared to pick up! I didn't feel ready to talk with her face-to-face.

After leaving work, I checked the message on the way to the Boi's office, as he was going to give me a ride home, and we'd maybe go to dinner from there. Much to my complete astonishment, her message was an apology! She apologized for dumping her overwhelm on me, and told me I had done nothing wrong!

In fact her heartfelt sorrow at her actions and her desire to still be my sponsor were so sincere I nearly cried! That motivated me to talk to this Boi at dinner, and get his take on the situation. I didn't think I could post-pone all contact with him, but I did think we could manage to not have a roll in the hay until my 9th step was complete. As to the rest, what my sponsor doesn't know, won't hurt her... ;-)

Sure enough, he agreed. In fact, he was quite sweet and encouraging about it. Even though he doesn't understand the 12 steps, and kind of thinks it's a cult, he could see how important it was to me, and wanted to honor my process.

I couldn't believe it! All these amazing things fell into place within 24 hours. Because I stepped back, prayed, and let HP take care of the results, things that were beyond my wildest dreams occurred.

Now, my sponsor and I have another Sat. date planned with no potential disruptions. I'm still spending lots of time chatting & hugging & smooching the boi, but we keep it light. We're having tons of fun, and are enjoying getting to know one another.

Another rollercoaster happened a few days later about my mom, and the same ideas applied. More on that next time.

Love & gratitude from the Happy Factory!

Labels: 4th step, 5th step, al-anon, al-anon sponsor, apology, prayer

Breathe.

12:33 4th Step Done!

It's been done for a week, actually. Almost 1500 entries of my resentments were listed. It was quite a relief to be completed.

I learned so much about myself by doing this exercise. Splayed out on the page, with nowhere for me to hide, was my continuous pattern of taking things personally. In circumstance after circumstance, if the situation didn't go my way, I'd either point the finger & blame others (especially in the "their out to get me" victim-mode), or I'd blame myself, and tell myself I suck because I'm not perfect.

Wow, what a load off. These patterns are so insidious, that truly at this point, only a power greater than myself can remove them.

Additionally, thinking like this has lead to a type of selfishness. My sponsor says over & over again that our society, even the whole world, perpetuates the idea that what we "feel" is "real". Therapists ask "how did that make you feel?", little kids are taught the feeling chart "happy", "Angry", "Sad" with smiley faces. So I feel something - so what?

I have no idea if I'll ever change as a result of these steps, but countless others have tried them and experienced a spiritual awakening. I'm hoping that continuing on with the steps will bring me to a place where I can be of service & useful to others, just like my sponsor suggested. In seeing my own self-absorption, it doesn't feel that great. I'd like to think of others. In fact, the last 2 dudes I dated complained I wasn't giving them enough time. But really, I can see now, I wasn't thinking about anyone but myself.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not trying to dis myself here. But just take an objective view of how I've been living my life. There's no shame, or right/wrong here. I developed the way I did, and there's no changing the past. But, taking a thorough look at myself gives me the hope to change for the future...

On the advice of my sponsor, I'm continuing on with a daily inventory. This is a helpful relief, as it continues to remind me of my selfish reactions every day, especially at work.

And, although I haven't gone through all the steps yet, just bringing my attention to these patterns has helped to reduce them. I'm really excited for the next steps to come.

Yay!

Next post will be about the roller-coaster relationship with my sponsor, and seeing her program in action - a humbling & beautiful experience. Stay tuned!

Labels: 4th step, al-anon, al-anon sponsor, alcoholism

Breathe.

22:09 7 haiku

(Written this evening while waiting for a meeting to start)

Beautiful night
Lonely hospital side street
Farmer's market peach

Easy peel peaches
Ripen my lips, tongue, and cheeks
Summer stone fruit rocks!

Crankiness abates
Body fatigue still plagues me
Ripe peach revives soul

On to tastey plum
Mushy from bag carrying
Will eat anyway

Missing my sponsor
Slowly re-entering steps
Hope we reconcile

Can't wait to post blog
Many new stories to share
But must pay bills too

(This one I just wrote)
Done too much today.
One last call, avocado
YUM-wich makes all good!

(Ok - just one more)
Met neighbors tonight.
Where do you live? Down the street...
Ha, ha; hee, hee; bye!

(Last one - to make a lucky uneven number)
Played lotto today;
"seven" calf tattoo was the
omen. Wish me luck!

Labels: al-anon sponsor, avocado, bills, blog post, farmer's market, fatigue, haiku, neighbors, peaches, plum

Breathe.

22:28 Right | Gentle

My dad has been telling me a story from his early days in AA. He said he had a problem with someone & was complaining to his sponsor about it. His sponsor took out a business card, and folded it in half so it stood like a tent. On one side he wrote "right" and the other side he wrote "gentle".

He asked my dad, "Would you rather be right or gentle?" This lesson in reducing my expectations of others and moving more into a flow of accepting what is, has been quite difficult, yet progress has been made.

So it has been, with my state of affairs these last 2 weeks. What the yoga retreat taught me was to be gentle with myself, no matter what was going on. Even though my body was reacting in all sorts of different ways, and I've been sleeping for 12 hours a night and waking up tired, and not leaving the house much, I'm gentle with myself in these actions. Clearly my entire being has needed sincere rest, and regeneration. This has resulted in me not going to any meetings for 2 weeks, and only lightly touching on the daily suggestions my sponsor wants me to do.

Yesterday when she called, she kicked me hard in the ass to get back on the program bandwagon. She said I couldn't call her if I wasn't going to work the steps & daily suggestions the way she outlined for me. She said I wasn't committed to the program, and that she sponsored so many people that she couldn't waste any time on someone not working the steps. Needlesstosay, I was quite resentful & angry after the phone conversation. Later that evening, I wrote more of my 4th step, and included her, but it didn't seem to help. My pride is severely wounded, so I've been in "stinkin' thinkin'" mode since yesterday, and frankly I'm confused.

One slogan of 12-step programs is "first things first". This is a way to help prevent your brain from going to CrazyTown with distractions and overwhelm at a situation, and instead focus on just the immediate task at hand. In a way, I was doing this by trying to stay present with everything I felt, including the massive fatigue & lack of concentration. This often lead me to shirk my daily 12-step responsibilites. But, I also knew that sleep & taking care of my body, was the first thing I needed to do.

Another slogan is "Do the next right thing". What the "right thing" is changes all the time. For me, the "right thing" in these last 2 weeks has been to sleep as much as my body has asked for, to be gentle with myself, to give myself full permission to relax and go slow, to write this blog, and to cry & smile when the mood struck me.

Honestly, doing these things was a great sign of progress for me. Even though I felt physically mopey, lethargic, and worn down, inside I was quite content. For the first time, probably ever in my life, I was allowing myself to just be, without forcing myself to do stuff or be perfect in the eyes of my mom, my family, God, or a mystic cloud of peer judgement. That niggling feeling of anxiety that I wasn't "good enough" or "perfect" was barely present these last 2 weeks. It was like I climbed to the top of a high mountain on a spring day, and finally caught my breath.

Instead, I've been using the best two-letter sentence ever created: N-O I've said No more these last 2 weeks than in my entire life! It feels great! Actually, saying No is only half of it. When the person I said No to, respects the No, and honors it, THEN it's a completely satisfying reflection of self-love. It's yet another amazing result of all this hardship & pain. I'm no longer afraid to say No.

But, I digress.

What wasn't so thrilling was hearing my sponsor say No to me. Ahh, life is different when the shoe is on the other foot, eh? I have to laugh at myself for this. :)

On one hand, I can see where she is coming from. She's right: she's not a therapist, so it's probably not a good idea to talk to her about everything with an assumption I'll be helped or feel better.

On the other hand, she also told me a condition of working with her was that I was to not be in therapy, I haven't been. If I need support beyond the steps, or I have questions about what's happening (like the fatigue, etc.), or if I want to learn about her experience with the 4th step, I can't ask her unless I'm doing all the stuff she prescribed. This just doesn't feel right, nor make any sense.

It just seems like all the grief & sorrow is perfectly normal for someone going through my situation. Yet, it's beyond the framework of the steps. The steps teach us how to deal with alcoholism or drug addiction, not the death of a loved one from cancer.

The experience with my sponsor left me so unnerved, that I felt like ending the relationship. While I could see her point fundamentally, it was the lack of gentleness that blew me away. Nobody should be talked to, and put down like I was in that conversation. Something just seemed seriously wrong. Since I've gone through so much of this process with her, though, it seems impractical to find a new sponsor. I'm only half-way done.

The hardest part of the experience of having 2 family members dying of cancer, is having to be so strong for everyone PLUS be strong for myself. It's been such an unrelenting tsunami of chaos & intense feelings, that I'm tired, exhausted. Literally! My body is reflecting that, right? (*schink* a lightbulb lit above my head) I just want to be weak for a change, to fall into the arms of someone else who can hold me for a while, because my arms are tired of holding myself. I just want a shoulder to lean on sometime. I thought my sponsor could be that shoulder, but clearly she cannot. I thought my roommate could be that shoulder, especially since she was so beautifully before I left, but she is not that shoulder either.

The spiritual option would be asking God or my Higher Power to be that shoulder. Somehow it's just not as satisfying as a real live voice, or a real live shoulder. It's worth a try though. What else have I got to lose?

Meanwhile, I'm not sure what to do about this sponsor thing. So, the next right thing in this situation, is to do nothing. When the next next right thing reveals itself to me, then I'll take action at that time. It may be a day, a week, or a month, but I trust I'll know it when I see it.

Labels: al-anon, al-anon sponsor, alcoholism, do the next right thing, first things first, gentle, right, sponsorship

Breathe.