I've been contemplating joining a second twelve step group in recent weeks, and it seems inevitable that I do. Today was a day met with much intensity and heartache.
I had been seeing a fellow since Halloween, and he decided to end it. We had a very respectful and integrity-based conversation. There were so many things to celebrate! But, yet it was so bittersweet, too.
At first, I returned home from these meetings quite emotionally raw. In the spirit of thee fellowships, I reached out to call some people in the group. With relief, a gal answered, and I told her about my situation.
The main emotions were not those surrounding the dude politely dumping me, but around my fear of surrendering to this new program. It had been quite terrifying to be "new" at something again, something of these deep spiritual levels. Frankly, I don't want to take the time to work Yet Another Bloody 12-Step Program. I thought I could dabble in this as a "supplement" to my other program.
But, I see, once again, how much my own actions contributed to this situation with this guy. My own lack of boundaries on the physical stuff intimacy; my own clingy behavior as I felt him pull away; my own deep sense of mistrust & sensitivity.
On the flip side, things to celebrate are: we didn't hop in the sack the first month! We ended the situation with compassion, respect, and care for each other. I set an example of taking responsibility for my feelings, and not making it his problem. I'm mostly not taking this all personally.
Turns out his ex got in touch with him & wanted to get back together. It really threw him for a loop. He wanted to be respectful of me & not hurt my feelings by stringing me along. This was one quality I really admired in him. He has a high sense of integrity.
There were plenty of other things I respected & liked about this person. You can bring a horse to water, but you can't force it to drink. If he didn't like me back well enough, I can't make him. I can't make him want a long-term relationship if he doesn't want it.
Going back to the meeting, it brought up so much about my fears, my intimacy issues, and my patterns & habits. How come I chose to date someone who, yet again, was not emotionally available? He revealed today that this ex & he had tried to get back together several times over the last year.
The resounding answer I've gotten today, and much of the last week regarding other topics like work, is to trust. Trust in my HP to guide me to the next right person and/or situation. The thing that was so hard to accept tonight was that my HP was guiding me to this second 12-step program. It seems hard to face this area of my life, and I'm scared.
But, what's the worse that could happen? I get happy? I start to respect myself more? I clean house & heal enough to get into a stable, long-term relationship? If that's the worse, sign me up!
So, here I am, on step one of a new program, trying to be gentle to myself, and have compassion for him too. It's truly a sign of integrity to admit that what you have to offer someone isn't what they deserve, that they deserve better.
My loneliness marches on. At least now I have a safe place to go to carry that heavy weight, and use the tools of this new program and the fellowship there to ease the burden.
Again, my ego has been severely checked, and I've humbly got on my knees, asking for help. It's something I know I have to do, but it's with a lot of begrudgement. *sigh*
I almost forgot how to tie this to the topic - forgiving myself for being imperfect, treating myself with respect & self-care, and not being so hard on myself are all ways of making amends to myself. Joining this second program is a way to do this, too. That was the point, thanks. :)
Labels: 12 step, 1st step, loneliness, program call, SLAA