My sponsor left a message for me today saying she didn't want to work with me anymore. It's very sad.
She was one of the first people I met in my 12-step group that seemed to have something different than all the rest. Instead of having problems, she had solutions. The first time I met her, she was a speaker at a meeting I was attending regularly. Her share blew me away. People say you should ask someone to be your sponsor if they have something you want. Well, she had it.
She had hope, compassion, drive, and a method to working the steps that seemed radically different, and more active, than anything else I'd heard of before.
By being dishonest with her, I ruined my chance of experiencing the great recovery she has. Many program friends have said, one sponsor is not the end-all, be-all to the program. Everyone has something to teach.
With this sponsor, I felt like I was truly healing my past, cleansing myself of the hurt & pain I caused other people, and re-programming my heart to operate on a level closer to my Higher Power. It was so terrifying to admit what I was hiding. But, that one action, has brought me closer to God more than anything.
What's so sad for me, though, is that I feel there is so much more for me to learn from her. My eyes were finally opened to just how much my life becomes unmanageable when I date someone. My fears, resentments, assumptions, and past pain surface so quickly, causing my dating partner a lot of emotional harm.
My sponsor suffered from these same problems; now I'll never know how she overcame them. My fear is that I'll continue to wallow in this crazy dating pattern time & time again. I truly felt like my sponsor had found a way to break that cycle of madness with romantic relationships. I guess I"ll have to figure it out on my own.
It's also sad for me that she couldn't use this experience as grist for the mill. The last 2 weeks have been such a wealth of new understanding about myself, my disease of alcoholism, and how it affects my relationships, that it's a shame those lessons can't be brought into the fold of work with this sponsor.
There's a feeling of dread & doom lurking over my shoulders. It's been hard to shake this notion that I screwed my own self over, and my chance to recover & heal. What was I thinking?
I was thinking that this boy was really charming, that he was sweet & nice, that he really cared for me, and that "this time would be different". Somehow, I thought I could prove my sponsor wrong, that I wasn't as screwed up as she was. Instead, it was a very large #fail.
All I can do is move on, and trust that my HP has something else in store for me. My relationship with this sponsor had been rough-going quite often. But, it did humble me. Maybe now I can truly submit to my HP's plan. Maybe some wonderful amazing things will happen as a result! Who knows...
Meanwhile, it's time to shop around for another sponsor. The thought of starting the steps all over again is a true bummer. But, I have to do it. I can't stop now...
Labels: 12 step, fear, honesty, sponsorship