Unravel Cancer: Experiences with family battling cancer

31 October 2009

18:25 Sponsor

My sponsor left a message for me today saying she didn't want to work with me anymore. It's very sad.

She was one of the first people I met in my 12-step group that seemed to have something different than all the rest. Instead of having problems, she had solutions. The first time I met her, she was a speaker at a meeting I was attending regularly. Her share blew me away. People say you should ask someone to be your sponsor if they have something you want. Well, she had it.

She had hope, compassion, drive, and a method to working the steps that seemed radically different, and more active, than anything else I'd heard of before.

By being dishonest with her, I ruined my chance of experiencing the great recovery she has. Many program friends have said, one sponsor is not the end-all, be-all to the program. Everyone has something to teach.

With this sponsor, I felt like I was truly healing my past, cleansing myself of the hurt & pain I caused other people, and re-programming my heart to operate on a level closer to my Higher Power. It was so terrifying to admit what I was hiding. But, that one action, has brought me closer to God more than anything.

What's so sad for me, though, is that I feel there is so much more for me to learn from her. My eyes were finally opened to just how much my life becomes unmanageable when I date someone. My fears, resentments, assumptions, and past pain surface so quickly, causing my dating partner a lot of emotional harm.

My sponsor suffered from these same problems; now I'll never know how she overcame them. My fear is that I'll continue to wallow in this crazy dating pattern time & time again. I truly felt like my sponsor had found a way to break that cycle of madness with romantic relationships. I guess I"ll have to figure it out on my own.

It's also sad for me that she couldn't use this experience as grist for the mill. The last 2 weeks have been such a wealth of new understanding about myself, my disease of alcoholism, and how it affects my relationships, that it's a shame those lessons can't be brought into the fold of work with this sponsor.

There's a feeling of dread & doom lurking over my shoulders. It's been hard to shake this notion that I screwed my own self over, and my chance to recover & heal. What was I thinking?

I was thinking that this boy was really charming, that he was sweet & nice, that he really cared for me, and that "this time would be different". Somehow, I thought I could prove my sponsor wrong, that I wasn't as screwed up as she was. Instead, it was a very large #fail.

All I can do is move on, and trust that my HP has something else in store for me. My relationship with this sponsor had been rough-going quite often. But, it did humble me. Maybe now I can truly submit to my HP's plan. Maybe some wonderful amazing things will happen as a result! Who knows...

Meanwhile, it's time to shop around for another sponsor. The thought of starting the steps all over again is a true bummer. But, I have to do it. I can't stop now...

Labels: 12 step, fear, honesty, sponsorship

Breathe.

21:53 Perspective

My friends, both in and out of my 12-step program, are the most amazing people on the planet. I’m so truly lucky & blessed to have these people in my life.

Last weekend, an incident happened with a person I was dating for about 6 weeks. After he left, I felt gut-wrenched, and called a dear friend, whom I admire & respect, especially when it comes to relationships. She’s like a personal Dr. Ruth!

After I explained the situation, she helped bring some things to light for me. When we hung up, my heart sank to the pit of my belly. I realized what had happened and what I needed to do. But, I told myself to sleep on it, and see how I felt in the morning.

The next morning, I woke with a start, and the first thought in my head was, “I can’t see this person anymore. I’m repeating the same patterns of all my past relationships. This is unhealthy madness, and I need to stop it, if I have any chance at completing the steps.”

From there, the whole rest of the day was spent with mind a-spin, testing out one script after another, editing, cutting out sentences or words, to whittle my thoughts down into what I wanted to say.

I grabbed him for 15 min on the way out of work (yes, unfortunately, we work at the same company. Different departments, though, thankfully). I can’t recall being so nervous in a long while; later it occurred to me I didn’t know how he would react, so I was nervous and a little scared.

Now for some horn tooting: I expressed myself clearly, and articulately, without judgment, scorn or shame on him. I told him what I had done wrong, and apologized sincerely for it.

In his characteristic style, he didn’t respond much at all – a veiled facial expression at best. That was fine with me. I didn’t care at that point. What mattered was I put an end to a modus operendi that had been flourishing, not for lack of my emotional fertilizer, for most of my dating life. Part of my nervousness resulted in knowing just how big a deal this was.

For this time around, my self-destructive and relationship-destructive behavior came to the forefront. I recognized how self-obsessed I am about my feelings in relation to another person’s action. Constantly nit-picking at someone what I don’t like about their actions, consequently making their actions all about me, would drive any halfway sane person to madness. I did this.

Adding to the mix, is the fact I kept my clandestine dating away from my sponsor. All of me and the boi’s interactions where behind my sponsor’s back. Just like the fellow in the Big Book that thinks drinking whiskey with milk won’t affect him, so to I fell into the same “it can’t possibly happen to me” mentality.

Beyond risking my step-work, my relationship to my sponsor, as well as my relationship to my Higher Power, I also risked my job. At one point the addiction to lust was so great, I dialed-in late to a very important meeting, with executives attending, because the boi & I were fooling around one morning at his place instead of working. My boss read me the riot act. The next week, again exhausted from a late night at his house, I was late for another meeting. I thought I’d lose my job.

All this for a boi.

Now the perspective of my foolishness has come into the light. Now my understanding of the disease of alcoholism has revealed its scaly underbelly to me. Now I know just how truly sick I am.

Don’t take this the wrong way – I’m not self-flagellating in a co-dependent way. Obviously the boi played a part in this too. But how much of his actions were a result of my mad selfishness? How much did his ugly side come out as a result of my manipulation & judgment?

One of my program friends said that we attract people that are the same emotional level as us. The sting of this truth could only be healed with spiritual Neosporin. (Deosporin?) At the end of the day, in looking at all my failed romantic relationships, the common denominator was me. After all sorts of guys, from all walks of life, dating me was the only thread throughout.

By the grace of a Power greater than myself, it is now plainly in my vision the lack of respect I have for myself, the ways I slip into physical intimacy so easily, and my selfish handling of requests of my time. I’ve hurt a lot of people, including myself.

The other challenge I face, is women all around me seem to not have this problem. They can hop in the sack with someone fairly early on and still develop a relationship based on that. My desire for old-fashioned courtship seems out-of-touch. Maybe what drove me to this tryst was the fear that if I asked for what I really wanted, I wouldn’t get it. If I had asked him to put the entire relationship on ice, he’d say no. But what if he had said yes? What if I gave him the opportunity to be chivalrous & respectful? Maybe he would have walked down that path… And, maybe we’d be in a totally different place right now - one of mutual respect and understanding.

And if he had said no, Eff ‘em.

My only hope is that gaining this perspective can lead me to healing & peace, a life truly without fear. Now that the thick moat of Denial has been sieged, and the castle walls of my self-absorption are crumbling, maybe these character defects will truly be removed.

And a gracious, humble, and love-filled Thank You to my friends for your support, and help in giving me perspective.

Labels: 12 step, al-anon sponsor, alcoholism, friend support, honesty, selfishness

Breathe.

I'm a 30-something professional woman who's mother & brother were both diagnosed with Grade 3 Astrocytoma tumors within about a week of each other. My mother's tumor is in her brain, and my brother's tumor is in his spinal cord, causing him to lose feeling in his arms & legs. These writings are about my experiences dealing with them, coping, loving them, loving myself, and living my life knowing that they are both dying. I hope you find inspiration and courage from my writings to help you get through whatever is going on in your life.