Unravel Cancer: Experiences with family battling cancer

27 October 2009

11:11 Promotion

Right now I'm terribly wrought with emotion. So much so, I don't know what to do except start writing.

I made a few program calls, but wasn't able to reach anyone. Maybe I should keep trying... Most people are at work now, though.

I found out today I lost out on a promotion at work. I didn't even know I was in the running for one. It went to another guy that deserves it, mostly, although I've never been a fan of his style. But on the whole, I'm happy for him.

The reason my boss stated was that I still needed to "work on things", like my time management, and meetings. This was a reference to the meeting I dialed-in late for while at the boi's house fooling around instead of working.

I can't even begin to tell you how badly I want to walk over to his office & just hit him. Obviously I played a role in this too. I admit that. But, I wasn't the person who tried to hi-jack him away from his work, and kept the groping going on with minutes to spare. He even looked at my phone's clock, and kept me flat on the bed when it was 3 minutes to the hour. Turns out my phone clock was off by a few minutes. I dialed in 5 minutes late on a call with two of the top executives of the company.

I'm also angry at myself. Why didn't I put my foot down harder? Why didn't I say no, and insist on going into the office in between those two meetings? I knew how important it was. I was scared I might hit traffic and not dial-in on time, or at least that's what I said in my mind to justify staying with him.

I wanted to please him, and make him happy. I didn't want him to be upset that I was "putting up walls" like he complained I was. How co-dependent is that? What the hell happened to me that day?

Blaming him or me won't get either of us anywhere. Fact is, we both screwed up. We both let our lust & passion get the better of us. We were both selfish: he was selfishly after my body, and I was selfishly letting him.

This is one of the most challenging mistakes I've had to accept in the last few years. I've been on a steadily improving career path for quite some time now, mostly as a result of working a 12-step program. Today is a very humbling day.

Despite my blood-thirsty rage, at the end of the day, there must be a bigger reason for all this. Everything will work out in the end. I have to trust that more will be revealed, and that my Higher Power has my back on this. Otherwise, I run the risk of going postal in his building, and specifically, in his aisle. This is an incredibly painful & difficult lesson.

But, at least I'm learning something. I'm learning to not trust the youthful exuberance of a 28-year old kid. I'm learning to not fall victim to someone's attention just because I feel lonely. I've learned to see when two personalities aren't a match for one another much earlier.

Also, I've learned to see the bright side. My boss really does want to help me, and I believe he is sincere in that. He said he talked with the HR guy about ways to help me improve my skills in the areas he feels I need it. Anybody who is willing to work with someone to help them be a better person is a good guy in my book.

In fact, as I broke the news of the "no more boi" story to my roommate last night, we talked about how what I really want is a partner who will help me improve myself, and offer me an opportunity to improve him. That element wasn't present with me & this boi. I never felt he had my best interests at heart. It only seemed like his interests were at the forefront of his mind, especially his physical interests.

My boss said he'd try to get me more money, at least. When I told him I was more interested in getting another person hired, he was sheepish in his reply of "we're working on it". If we don't hire another person, then maybe it's just as well. I don't have the bandwidth to try & train someone. Maybe what I'll do instead is try to take that finance class he offered, and just start looking for new jobs in Chicago, since I already felt compelled to move there. That'll take up at least 6 months.

The last time I lost out on a promotion, it was more about politics, not about my screw-ups. I was able to say to myself, "Ok, self. You better work so hard & well that the next time a position comes up, they won't think _twice_ about not promoting you." And, that's exactly what happened.

So, I can do the same now. I've drastically improved my time management since my boss yelled at me 2 weeks ago, and he even took notice of that today. If I keep steady-on, I won't be overlooked for the next promotion.

The blindness-inducing rage has diminished significantly. Wish me luck.

And, will someone please help me remove all the sharp objects in my office, just in case?

Labels: dating, lust, promotion, selfishness, work

Breathe.

21:53 Perspective

My friends, both in and out of my 12-step program, are the most amazing people on the planet. I’m so truly lucky & blessed to have these people in my life.

Last weekend, an incident happened with a person I was dating for about 6 weeks. After he left, I felt gut-wrenched, and called a dear friend, whom I admire & respect, especially when it comes to relationships. She’s like a personal Dr. Ruth!

After I explained the situation, she helped bring some things to light for me. When we hung up, my heart sank to the pit of my belly. I realized what had happened and what I needed to do. But, I told myself to sleep on it, and see how I felt in the morning.

The next morning, I woke with a start, and the first thought in my head was, “I can’t see this person anymore. I’m repeating the same patterns of all my past relationships. This is unhealthy madness, and I need to stop it, if I have any chance at completing the steps.”

From there, the whole rest of the day was spent with mind a-spin, testing out one script after another, editing, cutting out sentences or words, to whittle my thoughts down into what I wanted to say.

I grabbed him for 15 min on the way out of work (yes, unfortunately, we work at the same company. Different departments, though, thankfully). I can’t recall being so nervous in a long while; later it occurred to me I didn’t know how he would react, so I was nervous and a little scared.

Now for some horn tooting: I expressed myself clearly, and articulately, without judgment, scorn or shame on him. I told him what I had done wrong, and apologized sincerely for it.

In his characteristic style, he didn’t respond much at all – a veiled facial expression at best. That was fine with me. I didn’t care at that point. What mattered was I put an end to a modus operendi that had been flourishing, not for lack of my emotional fertilizer, for most of my dating life. Part of my nervousness resulted in knowing just how big a deal this was.

For this time around, my self-destructive and relationship-destructive behavior came to the forefront. I recognized how self-obsessed I am about my feelings in relation to another person’s action. Constantly nit-picking at someone what I don’t like about their actions, consequently making their actions all about me, would drive any halfway sane person to madness. I did this.

Adding to the mix, is the fact I kept my clandestine dating away from my sponsor. All of me and the boi’s interactions where behind my sponsor’s back. Just like the fellow in the Big Book that thinks drinking whiskey with milk won’t affect him, so to I fell into the same “it can’t possibly happen to me” mentality.

Beyond risking my step-work, my relationship to my sponsor, as well as my relationship to my Higher Power, I also risked my job. At one point the addiction to lust was so great, I dialed-in late to a very important meeting, with executives attending, because the boi & I were fooling around one morning at his place instead of working. My boss read me the riot act. The next week, again exhausted from a late night at his house, I was late for another meeting. I thought I’d lose my job.

All this for a boi.

Now the perspective of my foolishness has come into the light. Now my understanding of the disease of alcoholism has revealed its scaly underbelly to me. Now I know just how truly sick I am.

Don’t take this the wrong way – I’m not self-flagellating in a co-dependent way. Obviously the boi played a part in this too. But how much of his actions were a result of my mad selfishness? How much did his ugly side come out as a result of my manipulation & judgment?

One of my program friends said that we attract people that are the same emotional level as us. The sting of this truth could only be healed with spiritual Neosporin. (Deosporin?) At the end of the day, in looking at all my failed romantic relationships, the common denominator was me. After all sorts of guys, from all walks of life, dating me was the only thread throughout.

By the grace of a Power greater than myself, it is now plainly in my vision the lack of respect I have for myself, the ways I slip into physical intimacy so easily, and my selfish handling of requests of my time. I’ve hurt a lot of people, including myself.

The other challenge I face, is women all around me seem to not have this problem. They can hop in the sack with someone fairly early on and still develop a relationship based on that. My desire for old-fashioned courtship seems out-of-touch. Maybe what drove me to this tryst was the fear that if I asked for what I really wanted, I wouldn’t get it. If I had asked him to put the entire relationship on ice, he’d say no. But what if he had said yes? What if I gave him the opportunity to be chivalrous & respectful? Maybe he would have walked down that path… And, maybe we’d be in a totally different place right now - one of mutual respect and understanding.

And if he had said no, Eff ‘em.

My only hope is that gaining this perspective can lead me to healing & peace, a life truly without fear. Now that the thick moat of Denial has been sieged, and the castle walls of my self-absorption are crumbling, maybe these character defects will truly be removed.

And a gracious, humble, and love-filled Thank You to my friends for your support, and help in giving me perspective.

Labels: 12 step, al-anon sponsor, alcoholism, friend support, honesty, selfishness

Breathe.

I'm a 30-something professional woman who's mother & brother were both diagnosed with Grade 3 Astrocytoma tumors within about a week of each other. My mother's tumor is in her brain, and my brother's tumor is in his spinal cord, causing him to lose feeling in his arms & legs. These writings are about my experiences dealing with them, coping, loving them, loving myself, and living my life knowing that they are both dying. I hope you find inspiration and courage from my writings to help you get through whatever is going on in your life.