Unravel Cancer: Experiences with family battling cancer

22 October 2009

21:53 Perspective

My friends, both in and out of my 12-step program, are the most amazing people on the planet. I’m so truly lucky & blessed to have these people in my life.

Last weekend, an incident happened with a person I was dating for about 6 weeks. After he left, I felt gut-wrenched, and called a dear friend, whom I admire & respect, especially when it comes to relationships. She’s like a personal Dr. Ruth!

After I explained the situation, she helped bring some things to light for me. When we hung up, my heart sank to the pit of my belly. I realized what had happened and what I needed to do. But, I told myself to sleep on it, and see how I felt in the morning.

The next morning, I woke with a start, and the first thought in my head was, “I can’t see this person anymore. I’m repeating the same patterns of all my past relationships. This is unhealthy madness, and I need to stop it, if I have any chance at completing the steps.”

From there, the whole rest of the day was spent with mind a-spin, testing out one script after another, editing, cutting out sentences or words, to whittle my thoughts down into what I wanted to say.

I grabbed him for 15 min on the way out of work (yes, unfortunately, we work at the same company. Different departments, though, thankfully). I can’t recall being so nervous in a long while; later it occurred to me I didn’t know how he would react, so I was nervous and a little scared.

Now for some horn tooting: I expressed myself clearly, and articulately, without judgment, scorn or shame on him. I told him what I had done wrong, and apologized sincerely for it.

In his characteristic style, he didn’t respond much at all – a veiled facial expression at best. That was fine with me. I didn’t care at that point. What mattered was I put an end to a modus operendi that had been flourishing, not for lack of my emotional fertilizer, for most of my dating life. Part of my nervousness resulted in knowing just how big a deal this was.

For this time around, my self-destructive and relationship-destructive behavior came to the forefront. I recognized how self-obsessed I am about my feelings in relation to another person’s action. Constantly nit-picking at someone what I don’t like about their actions, consequently making their actions all about me, would drive any halfway sane person to madness. I did this.

Adding to the mix, is the fact I kept my clandestine dating away from my sponsor. All of me and the boi’s interactions where behind my sponsor’s back. Just like the fellow in the Big Book that thinks drinking whiskey with milk won’t affect him, so to I fell into the same “it can’t possibly happen to me” mentality.

Beyond risking my step-work, my relationship to my sponsor, as well as my relationship to my Higher Power, I also risked my job. At one point the addiction to lust was so great, I dialed-in late to a very important meeting, with executives attending, because the boi & I were fooling around one morning at his place instead of working. My boss read me the riot act. The next week, again exhausted from a late night at his house, I was late for another meeting. I thought I’d lose my job.

All this for a boi.

Now the perspective of my foolishness has come into the light. Now my understanding of the disease of alcoholism has revealed its scaly underbelly to me. Now I know just how truly sick I am.

Don’t take this the wrong way – I’m not self-flagellating in a co-dependent way. Obviously the boi played a part in this too. But how much of his actions were a result of my mad selfishness? How much did his ugly side come out as a result of my manipulation & judgment?

One of my program friends said that we attract people that are the same emotional level as us. The sting of this truth could only be healed with spiritual Neosporin. (Deosporin?) At the end of the day, in looking at all my failed romantic relationships, the common denominator was me. After all sorts of guys, from all walks of life, dating me was the only thread throughout.

By the grace of a Power greater than myself, it is now plainly in my vision the lack of respect I have for myself, the ways I slip into physical intimacy so easily, and my selfish handling of requests of my time. I’ve hurt a lot of people, including myself.

The other challenge I face, is women all around me seem to not have this problem. They can hop in the sack with someone fairly early on and still develop a relationship based on that. My desire for old-fashioned courtship seems out-of-touch. Maybe what drove me to this tryst was the fear that if I asked for what I really wanted, I wouldn’t get it. If I had asked him to put the entire relationship on ice, he’d say no. But what if he had said yes? What if I gave him the opportunity to be chivalrous & respectful? Maybe he would have walked down that path… And, maybe we’d be in a totally different place right now - one of mutual respect and understanding.

And if he had said no, Eff ‘em.

My only hope is that gaining this perspective can lead me to healing & peace, a life truly without fear. Now that the thick moat of Denial has been sieged, and the castle walls of my self-absorption are crumbling, maybe these character defects will truly be removed.

And a gracious, humble, and love-filled Thank You to my friends for your support, and help in giving me perspective.

Labels: 12 step, al-anon sponsor, alcoholism, friend support, honesty, selfishness

Breathe.

00:19 Alone, part 2

It dawned on me right after writing the "alone" post, that there was another piece of loneliness that entwined itself into my daily living: most people don't care what's going on with another person, and most people can't relate to what I'm going through, unless they went through it themselves.

It sounds harsh, but fact is - it's reality. Everybody has an opinion, and thinks they know what's best for me. Everyone seems to know how I should be acting or feeling, as if I can't do those things for myself. Surely the grief and despair I must be feeling would cloud my judgement around how to act in my daily life or in public.

When chatting with my neighbor early on in my re-entry, bless his heart, he told me to "snap out of it". He quickly recanted, realizing how inappropriate that was. I respect him for that.

But, it's an indication of how much people can't relate to this kind of life-challenging scenario. Most of my colleagues at work have been the same. Some have come around & shown support & understanding. Mostly the expectation has been for me to "snap out of it". The one good thing has been my boss - he's been incredibly supportive and understanding.

If you are in contact with someone that's going through a rough personal tragedy, like a death in their family or illness or some other awful thing, let me offer you a couple of suggestions:

1) Let the person know that you care, by saying so, saying you're sorry to hear of the tragedy, or gosh, that must be way hard. Even if the person is a stranger to you, don't be shy - just say it. It acknowledges we are all experiencing the human condition.

2) Let the person spout off a little bit, if they wish. If they throw a pity-party, replete with Pain Punch and Suffering Snacks, don't try to fix them, brush them off, find them a therapist, etc. Just sit & listen as best you can, try to learn something from that person, and gracefully excuse yourself from their presence if it gets too heavy. (Nobody likes to be "dragged down" for sure in our society, but being a good listener is an act of service & kindness to that person. We all have heavy moments in life, and you may find yourself there one day, too.)

3) Acknowledge what's going on with the person, even if just for a minute or two. This is especially good for a workmate. If you walk into a person's office with a string of orders, or asks and don't chat briefly about their experience, it's incredibly dehumanizing. Yes, it IS okay to get lightly personal in the corporate world.

4) Give the person space. Don't try to smother them with caring and "help". Let the person know you are available, but also give them the dignity of asking for the help they need. They know what is best for them at that moment, and it may not be what you would want. That's perfectly okay.

5) Be extremely mindful of what you say to this person during their crisis. Speak with as much compassion as possible, and try your best not to take anything they say personally. Maybe your friend is reacting with anger, because they can't control the tragedy or prevent it. Maybe they are in grief, and pushing people away. Maybe they are depressed, and really a downer all the time. No matter what, try your best not to criticize them or tell them what they are doing/saying/feeling is wrong. Everyone goes through their own process, because we all have different personalities that cope with crisis differently. Try to keep your judgments about their behaviour to yourself. After all, who knows how you will react when faced with a similar tragedy.

6) Continue to be yourself, and talk about "normal" everyday things, too. It's extremely helpful to guide a person off of the tragedy and on to everyday things. It can help bring levity and sanity back to that person. But don't force them there if they are not ready.

7) Be mindful of your expectations of this person, for quite some time to come. In my experience, I was an extremely active, outdoorsy, out-going person who loved to laugh & play & spend time with people. But since my family health crisis, I've reverted inward, and am spending lots of time with myself, am quieter, less boisterous, and less active in my daily routine. The biggest gift has come from my roommate, who has grown to accept this change in me, without challenging it or blowing me off. In a nutshell, give the person in crisis a break. It may take them quite a while to return to their "normal" self, and they may not ever return. It's all ok.

8) If the person is acting "happy" or "normal", and seems to be out of crisis mode, still inquire how they're doing with the personal tragedy. If they are ok, and their family is ok, acknowledge that too. Far too often, we only pay attention to others it they are suffering, but we don't support them when they are feeling good or are healing through a crisis. Supporting someone who is coming through a tragedy with grace & love is an excellent way to honor their journey, while learning how you can walk your journey with these tools. If you have known someone for a long time, and can see great progress in their personal growth as a result of the tragedy, acknowledge that also. For me, this encouragement has almost meant more than when I was in tears and wailing. It's given me the courage to keep going, and the faith to know I'm on the right track.

I hope some of these ideas can be helpful to those who have friends in crisis. I've found these ideas also work when talking to my mom or brother, the people who are actually ill and suffering. My mom keeps reminding me: we have never walked this path before. How can we know what we will do/say/think/feel, if we never have gone through this experience? Compassion at all turns is a critical way to navigate family crisis waters. Letting go of the Bones of the Past is one way to bring more compassion into a crisis.

All in all, while nobody is perfect, and no situation is surely, most people I've been in contact with have had great compassion for me. Some co-workers have been lame, but many have not. Some friends have shied away from me, but most have stepped up and offered support. However, at the end of the day, they all have their own lives, and have returned to them. For me, this is the hardest thing to accept. No matter what kind of support I receive, I must walk my own path by myself. Nobody can walk it for me, or hold my hand the entire time. I guess this is what it means to be an "adult". But, the moments when friends or workmates have shown support, no matter how small, have brought great relief.

So, don't give up or let any awkwardness or whatever stop you from supporting someone you care about who is experiencing crisis. It will mean a lot to them that you showed up for them, even in a small way, if that's all you can afford. It will make a difference.

Labels: acknowledgement, blog support, cancer survivor, compassion, family cancer, friend support, friends, kindness, listen

Breathe.