Unravel Cancer: Experiences with family battling cancer

15 August 2009

00:19 Alone, part 2

It dawned on me right after writing the "alone" post, that there was another piece of loneliness that entwined itself into my daily living: most people don't care what's going on with another person, and most people can't relate to what I'm going through, unless they went through it themselves.

It sounds harsh, but fact is - it's reality. Everybody has an opinion, and thinks they know what's best for me. Everyone seems to know how I should be acting or feeling, as if I can't do those things for myself. Surely the grief and despair I must be feeling would cloud my judgement around how to act in my daily life or in public.

When chatting with my neighbor early on in my re-entry, bless his heart, he told me to "snap out of it". He quickly recanted, realizing how inappropriate that was. I respect him for that.

But, it's an indication of how much people can't relate to this kind of life-challenging scenario. Most of my colleagues at work have been the same. Some have come around & shown support & understanding. Mostly the expectation has been for me to "snap out of it". The one good thing has been my boss - he's been incredibly supportive and understanding.

If you are in contact with someone that's going through a rough personal tragedy, like a death in their family or illness or some other awful thing, let me offer you a couple of suggestions:

1) Let the person know that you care, by saying so, saying you're sorry to hear of the tragedy, or gosh, that must be way hard. Even if the person is a stranger to you, don't be shy - just say it. It acknowledges we are all experiencing the human condition.

2) Let the person spout off a little bit, if they wish. If they throw a pity-party, replete with Pain Punch and Suffering Snacks, don't try to fix them, brush them off, find them a therapist, etc. Just sit & listen as best you can, try to learn something from that person, and gracefully excuse yourself from their presence if it gets too heavy. (Nobody likes to be "dragged down" for sure in our society, but being a good listener is an act of service & kindness to that person. We all have heavy moments in life, and you may find yourself there one day, too.)

3) Acknowledge what's going on with the person, even if just for a minute or two. This is especially good for a workmate. If you walk into a person's office with a string of orders, or asks and don't chat briefly about their experience, it's incredibly dehumanizing. Yes, it IS okay to get lightly personal in the corporate world.

4) Give the person space. Don't try to smother them with caring and "help". Let the person know you are available, but also give them the dignity of asking for the help they need. They know what is best for them at that moment, and it may not be what you would want. That's perfectly okay.

5) Be extremely mindful of what you say to this person during their crisis. Speak with as much compassion as possible, and try your best not to take anything they say personally. Maybe your friend is reacting with anger, because they can't control the tragedy or prevent it. Maybe they are in grief, and pushing people away. Maybe they are depressed, and really a downer all the time. No matter what, try your best not to criticize them or tell them what they are doing/saying/feeling is wrong. Everyone goes through their own process, because we all have different personalities that cope with crisis differently. Try to keep your judgments about their behaviour to yourself. After all, who knows how you will react when faced with a similar tragedy.

6) Continue to be yourself, and talk about "normal" everyday things, too. It's extremely helpful to guide a person off of the tragedy and on to everyday things. It can help bring levity and sanity back to that person. But don't force them there if they are not ready.

7) Be mindful of your expectations of this person, for quite some time to come. In my experience, I was an extremely active, outdoorsy, out-going person who loved to laugh & play & spend time with people. But since my family health crisis, I've reverted inward, and am spending lots of time with myself, am quieter, less boisterous, and less active in my daily routine. The biggest gift has come from my roommate, who has grown to accept this change in me, without challenging it or blowing me off. In a nutshell, give the person in crisis a break. It may take them quite a while to return to their "normal" self, and they may not ever return. It's all ok.

8) If the person is acting "happy" or "normal", and seems to be out of crisis mode, still inquire how they're doing with the personal tragedy. If they are ok, and their family is ok, acknowledge that too. Far too often, we only pay attention to others it they are suffering, but we don't support them when they are feeling good or are healing through a crisis. Supporting someone who is coming through a tragedy with grace & love is an excellent way to honor their journey, while learning how you can walk your journey with these tools. If you have known someone for a long time, and can see great progress in their personal growth as a result of the tragedy, acknowledge that also. For me, this encouragement has almost meant more than when I was in tears and wailing. It's given me the courage to keep going, and the faith to know I'm on the right track.

I hope some of these ideas can be helpful to those who have friends in crisis. I've found these ideas also work when talking to my mom or brother, the people who are actually ill and suffering. My mom keeps reminding me: we have never walked this path before. How can we know what we will do/say/think/feel, if we never have gone through this experience? Compassion at all turns is a critical way to navigate family crisis waters. Letting go of the Bones of the Past is one way to bring more compassion into a crisis.

All in all, while nobody is perfect, and no situation is surely, most people I've been in contact with have had great compassion for me. Some co-workers have been lame, but many have not. Some friends have shied away from me, but most have stepped up and offered support. However, at the end of the day, they all have their own lives, and have returned to them. For me, this is the hardest thing to accept. No matter what kind of support I receive, I must walk my own path by myself. Nobody can walk it for me, or hold my hand the entire time. I guess this is what it means to be an "adult". But, the moments when friends or workmates have shown support, no matter how small, have brought great relief.

So, don't give up or let any awkwardness or whatever stop you from supporting someone you care about who is experiencing crisis. It will mean a lot to them that you showed up for them, even in a small way, if that's all you can afford. It will make a difference.

Labels: acknowledgement, blog support, cancer survivor, compassion, family cancer, friend support, friends, kindness, listen

Breathe.

22:25 Good Conversations

With ML: We talked about how writing can be a tool to wallow in self-pity & martyrdom. While it's important to express oneself, care must be taken to not use words to perpetuate one's misery.

We discussed how staying focused on the audience helps bring a writer out of their own heads, and instead think of the "other", the non-creator, the one who will absorb what was created.

We discussed ageing & infirm parents, and how we have both arrived at the idea of caring for a parent as being a privilege. I spoke to him about my transformation from a self-absorbed Bay Area pseudo-yuppie (only pseudo cuz I don't own a car, or a TV, and I actually ski & climb well), to a person who thinks of others, who goes slow, and who strives for grace through being gentle with herself.

We also talked about walking more. He told me how he recently bought a really cool old guitar, with some kind of special fret system, because he decided to walk from a cafe down the block to the post office. He walked past a house having a garage sale, saw the guitar, and had a great conversation with the owner's son who was selling it. We agreed slowing down, walking more, and taking in one's surroundings was the way to go in life. Looking at all the beauty around oneself in the day can help to remove the fear, dread, & misery that comes with facing mortality. Can't wait to hear his song about walking...

With CM: We discussed how a person in our situation (both with a parent dying of cancer) needs to take care of themselves. We both had experiences with friends who said inappropriate things. We agreed that sometimes a person should get some distance from even a good, old friend if there is massive drama erupting. Protecting oneself when one is vulnerable is perfectly ok.

He also told me about creativity; sometimes it's good to have downtime from being creative, so that the creative moment doesn't start to replicate itself, and your work becomes repetitive. He explained how he forces "gaps" into his creativity, to keep things fresh.

We also discussed how generally people are self-centered, and just don't care about someone who is going through a tough time. He also experienced people at work and in other areas blowing him off. I mentioned how tough it was to push away my feelings, my desires, and dreams, my unfolding manifestation, to work at my 8+ hour a day desk job in Corporate America. This one aspect alone is the major fuel for my fatigue and lethargy.

We both also experienced the transformation of age & maturity. He mentioned his friend whom he had a falling out with often said, "My friends are my family. They treat me better than anyone in my family would." CM replied, "At the end of the day, when you die, who will make your funeral arrangements?" This hit home for me, and I explained how I came to the same realization. I told him how my mom & I had broken through some seriously old S&^%, in order to be with each other and support one another. I'll never forget the morning when my mom had a crying fit in the car on the way to the hospital, and then I had one when we left. We both laughed at how much we were "girls". But, at least we could cry about our frustrations. CM and I agreed, that no matter how awful one's family was to them, or what kind of God-awful people they are today, your family is your family. You're stuck with them no matter what. So, you might as well get off your ass and be part of the group.

With AG: We mostly filled each other in on what was going on in the last few months since we'd talked. Her health drama has settled down, which is so wonderful to hear. My challenges were there, but I also talked about the transformative aspect.

We laughed when I told her about slowing down, and how it was hard the first few days I was helping my mom. We were running late those first few days, because I didn't realize how long it took my mom to get into the car (she has a neurological problem on the right side of her body, causing severe restriction in mobility in both her arm & leg). So, I high-tailed it down the street on a giant 3-lane "expressway" to the hospital, dodging pedestrians, and swerving around light poles in her twin turbo Audi! Hell to the yes! Meanwhile, by the third day she managed to squeeze out of gritted teeth that I was scaring her. Somehow I never noticed the white nuckling and nail gouges in the dashboard... So, I told my mom, "Look at it this way - by the time you get there, you can tell the radiation nurse - 'I've already had the worst part of my day, this is cake!' And even if you have a heart attack, we're almost there, so it's no hassle. In fact, they may even give us a 'two-for-one' convenience discount! The ER is only one door down from radiation, Ma!" Thankfully, my mom was able to laugh at that.

Towards the end, AG told me something quite profound: even though she's heard the stories, and seen my strength as I've mortared a wall, brick by brick, between myself and the alcoholism & abuse of my family, it clearly has caused me a great deal of pain. She told me that she can sense that, and knows it to be true even though I've never directly stated it. For the first time in a long while, I felt seen & heard by a person who deeply cares about me. It is a moment I will cherish in my heart forever. Although there were plenty of tearful moments with my mom, her acknowledgements also come out of a deeply entrenched insecurity. But when my dear pal AG said these things to me, it came from a person of self-assurance and compassion. It was a severely touching moment to hear these words from my friend. I felt watched over and cared for, for the first time in a great long while. For one moment, I could lay my head on her shoulder.

With RC: He told me about his experiences with his family at his aunt's funeral, and how he has finally accepted the behavior of his mad siblings. He saw their reality in a whole other way, and has decided to stop financially supporting them. It was a tough decision, as anyone with an addicted family member knows, to take the step towards self-care and "tough love" for the addict.

He also explained how he's taken the self-love he's developed over this time to his job. When people criticize him at work, he simply listens and says, "Thank you." He allows them to speak, doesn't jump back at them or argues, and then moves on with his day without letting their snarkiness win over him. He compared it to Jesus saying "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do" on the cross. He said this about the people who were persecuting him! To carry that level of compassion & forgiveness seems impossible, but if Jesus can do it, so can all of us.

I talked about how a theme of the yoga & mediation retreat was Grace, how one falls out of it, but also how one steps into it again. I told him how holding myself in Grace & loving myself, even though I'm reacting to stuff unrealistically sometimes. I exlained how being kind to myself, and going slow enough to understand how I feel, is when the door opens to taking the next right action to care for myself, and then for others.

*********************
I'm sure there were many other good talks, but these were the most profound, and the ones I wanted to share. There have been plenty of laughs between my roommate and I, too, which is a great feeling. It seems we are better adjusted to each other now.

CM & I only met at the gym the other day, and a conversation about a chalkbag lead to cancer. It just goes to show that the more I stay present, and open my heart to whatever I'm feeling inside, the more I'm presented with beautiful, wonderful people to share the journey with, even if for one hour...

No matter how bad the grief gets, or how low I go, I'll take the advice of my dear pal SB, who told me in Denver, "When I get into a low spot, everything stops. I just go into bed, crawl under the covers, and wait it out. I tell everybody & everything 'To hell with you', because I know I need to take care of me at all costs. Depression is like quicksand - the more you struggle, the deeper you will sink. But, if you just relax & breathe, and accept the fact that you're in quicksand, and not try to struggle to get out, then eventually - inch by inch - you'll become unstuck."

Thank you & blessings to these and all my friends who got my back.

Labels: compassion, conversation, depression, driving, friends, grace, love, martyr, struggle, victim, writing

Breathe.