Unravel Cancer: Experiences with family battling cancer

27 October 2009

11:11 Promotion

Right now I'm terribly wrought with emotion. So much so, I don't know what to do except start writing.

I made a few program calls, but wasn't able to reach anyone. Maybe I should keep trying... Most people are at work now, though.

I found out today I lost out on a promotion at work. I didn't even know I was in the running for one. It went to another guy that deserves it, mostly, although I've never been a fan of his style. But on the whole, I'm happy for him.

The reason my boss stated was that I still needed to "work on things", like my time management, and meetings. This was a reference to the meeting I dialed-in late for while at the boi's house fooling around instead of working.

I can't even begin to tell you how badly I want to walk over to his office & just hit him. Obviously I played a role in this too. I admit that. But, I wasn't the person who tried to hi-jack him away from his work, and kept the groping going on with minutes to spare. He even looked at my phone's clock, and kept me flat on the bed when it was 3 minutes to the hour. Turns out my phone clock was off by a few minutes. I dialed in 5 minutes late on a call with two of the top executives of the company.

I'm also angry at myself. Why didn't I put my foot down harder? Why didn't I say no, and insist on going into the office in between those two meetings? I knew how important it was. I was scared I might hit traffic and not dial-in on time, or at least that's what I said in my mind to justify staying with him.

I wanted to please him, and make him happy. I didn't want him to be upset that I was "putting up walls" like he complained I was. How co-dependent is that? What the hell happened to me that day?

Blaming him or me won't get either of us anywhere. Fact is, we both screwed up. We both let our lust & passion get the better of us. We were both selfish: he was selfishly after my body, and I was selfishly letting him.

This is one of the most challenging mistakes I've had to accept in the last few years. I've been on a steadily improving career path for quite some time now, mostly as a result of working a 12-step program. Today is a very humbling day.

Despite my blood-thirsty rage, at the end of the day, there must be a bigger reason for all this. Everything will work out in the end. I have to trust that more will be revealed, and that my Higher Power has my back on this. Otherwise, I run the risk of going postal in his building, and specifically, in his aisle. This is an incredibly painful & difficult lesson.

But, at least I'm learning something. I'm learning to not trust the youthful exuberance of a 28-year old kid. I'm learning to not fall victim to someone's attention just because I feel lonely. I've learned to see when two personalities aren't a match for one another much earlier.

Also, I've learned to see the bright side. My boss really does want to help me, and I believe he is sincere in that. He said he talked with the HR guy about ways to help me improve my skills in the areas he feels I need it. Anybody who is willing to work with someone to help them be a better person is a good guy in my book.

In fact, as I broke the news of the "no more boi" story to my roommate last night, we talked about how what I really want is a partner who will help me improve myself, and offer me an opportunity to improve him. That element wasn't present with me & this boi. I never felt he had my best interests at heart. It only seemed like his interests were at the forefront of his mind, especially his physical interests.

My boss said he'd try to get me more money, at least. When I told him I was more interested in getting another person hired, he was sheepish in his reply of "we're working on it". If we don't hire another person, then maybe it's just as well. I don't have the bandwidth to try & train someone. Maybe what I'll do instead is try to take that finance class he offered, and just start looking for new jobs in Chicago, since I already felt compelled to move there. That'll take up at least 6 months.

The last time I lost out on a promotion, it was more about politics, not about my screw-ups. I was able to say to myself, "Ok, self. You better work so hard & well that the next time a position comes up, they won't think _twice_ about not promoting you." And, that's exactly what happened.

So, I can do the same now. I've drastically improved my time management since my boss yelled at me 2 weeks ago, and he even took notice of that today. If I keep steady-on, I won't be overlooked for the next promotion.

The blindness-inducing rage has diminished significantly. Wish me luck.

And, will someone please help me remove all the sharp objects in my office, just in case?

Labels: dating, lust, promotion, selfishness, work

Breathe.

00:29 On my way home

For the second time this year, I arrived back in Oakland from visiting my mom and wanted to cry.

She's really not doing well. Probably she'll never be fully abled again. She's walking much better now, and doesn't need a cane. Her medication to stop the tremors on the right side of her body is really helping a lot.

But, there is much she can't do, like make her bed, clip her fingernails, and sit for any length of time. The sitting part is due to her substantial weight loss. Essentially, her butt fell off. So, now all the chairs feel uncomfortable. It's time to get her a butt pillow, to carry with her everywhere...

It's silly, but also sad. I helped her with a lot of stuff this weekend. We shopped at Kohl's for some much needed "shuffleboard outfits", which she likes to call that casual wear that's one step up from a tracksuit, but still is a matching pant & jacket set.

She hasn't asked me directly to move back to Chicago. She doesn't want me to give up my life or my career for her. But, it's really hard for me to see my oldest brother (not the cancer one) get stressed out at her all the time, for no reason. It's painful to hear that she is left out of their family plans until the last minute. Nobody likes to be ignored.

I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't take care of her 24/7. She needs a home healthcare person to help with fingernails, and other grooming items. But, now there's a question on whether she can afford it.

I spent a night & a day in downtown Chicago for a conference, before my family visit in the suburbs. Even though the weather was poop, there were so many people in the South Loop! The neighborhood has really changed. I walked up to the Art Institute Friday afternoon, because I heard there was a new modern wing that opened up. It was fabulous! Almost better than the art, the view on the 3rd floor of Millennium park & the skyline behind was stunning. The architects did a great job of allowing that view in. Lots of big windows to gaze out at the fall colors in the park, and the majestic city beyond. All my favorite buildings were still there...

For the first time since I left home, I felt the calling to return home. Even though the Loop is only one small part of Chicago, it reignited a long-dulled flame in my heart for the city. It's why I lived in San Francisco for 12 years. Yet, the cool thing about Chicago, is you can easily find a neighborhood close to the action that's more residential & quiet, with single family homes even. My Aunt & Uncle live in a neighborhood like that. It's quite similar to where I live now in Oakland. I often comment to people how Oakland reminds me so much of Chicago.

Anyway, it just might be that I spend the next year climbing every rock I can find, so that I can get my fill. For when I return to Chicago, there won't be any rocks there.

"How will you get your fix?", you ask. Well, I'll just have to open my own climbing gym... :)

This is all just off-the-cuff emotional unloading since my return. But, still, the desire to be close to my mom, and my nieces is pretty strong. And, I'd really like to have a family of my own. There are just so many more eligible men there, men who know how to ask a woman on a real, actual date.

I saw a young couple in a cafe I had stopped at in the city, on a first date. The young man was so excited to talk to this girl. He was asking her all about herself, and really enjoying the things she said. Say what you want about dudes and their agenda, but he seemed really sweet & tuned into her. It was a lovely site.

Knowing my crazy self, it won't work out like that for me, but at least I'll have a better shot, in a city with cool dudes, like Chicago. All the dudes I met at the small climbing gym in Homewood seemed super down-to-earth, and cool.

So, like many things, we'll see...

PS: Did I mention the fall colors? Oh, man! They were so beautiful. Hearing the leaves crunch under my feet as I walked down the street brought me so much joy! I had forgotten how amazing a Midwestern Autumn is.

Labels: caretake, Chicago, dating, healthcare

Breathe.

13:39 Today's Climbing

A strange thing happened at the gym this morning...

I was looking for a climbing partner after bouldering, and a guy in a nice couple said I could join him & his girlfriend. Turns out, I went on a climbing date with him a couple years ago. It didn't work out. He seemed kinda controlling, and really weird when we tried to make another meetup to climb outdoors.

But, he's been dating this nice gal for about a year, and they seem to be happy! He seemed mellow & great, not agro & egotistical like when I met him before.

The girlfriend was nice, and she told me she started climbing because otherwise she would never see her beau. Turns out she had tried it once before, and loved it, but didn't know how to meet others & get better. (Seems like a case of shyness to me, since climbers are generally friendly folk & like to help newbies) Anyway, the dude taught her everything she knew, which an observer could tell, because she climbed all with muscle & not much technique. Doh...

But, this instance reminded me of a convo with some friends of mine in town last Tuesday. When I mentioned I was dating, my pal from CO was aghast (!) that the guy was not a climber. Yup, shocking as it might seem, I'm not dating a climber. He said if he ever wanted to travel on an overseas trip, it would be to climb, so he couldn't share it with his girlfriend if she didn't climb. My other pal said he thought that was ok, because it's good to have a thing you do outside of the relationship. He said it's good for a person to be passionate about something.

Both sides have great points that I agree with. My story is that I tried to date a climber here or there, but it didn't work out. It often was hard to listen to the guy instruct me & school me. If I had learned of something different or wanted to try something new, it became a point of tension. One guy was really patronizing, talking to me like I was 5 years old. :( At the end of the day, the high level of controlling behavior and extreme opinionated-ness, killed the romance.

I've also tried to date non-climbers recently, and that's hard too. My recent boi expressed his observation about my addiction to climbing. He said I was "obsessed". Since all the evidence pointed to that, I had to concede, albeit sheepishly.

What's making it hard, is he is the type of person that demands my full attention all the time. When we are together, it's not satisfying to him if we're in the same room just reading, or doing chores & chatting. He wants me on his lap & riveted on him. While this is really fun, it's also made it hard for me to get all my stuff done.

More on the hardness of relationships in a few.

Meanwhile, I'm not sure what to do. I'm trying to make more time for him, primarily by doing less yoga. That has now come back to haunt me in a right hip pain that won't quit. Not to worry - it's the same one that surfaces when I'm stressed, under slept, too active, and not taking care of myself...

I'm also trying to suggest non-active things to do together, like a play or a show. At the beginning, he suggested lots of stuff too. But, since 12-step meetings & climbing are essential to my mental health, he's backed off.

Now I wonder if we'll survive. I really like this person, and think he's great in so many ways. The more we talk, the more we stay open & strive to get to know one another, the happier I become. I just hope we can find a way to keep spending time with each other, while not having to compromise a core part of the other's life.

So, we carry on. I pray, I ask my Higher Power for help, and to take away the spinning craziness in my mind about this, and just accept whatever is meant to be. It's hard to let go, but that's the only way for _me_ to be at peace, and for our budding romance to have a chance.

Labels: 12 step, dating, fear, relationships, rock climbing, romance

Breathe.