Unravel Cancer: Experiences with family battling cancer

27 March 2011

21:45 More on cancer grief: letting go, being in the "flow"

I can't begin to describe how amazing my life has become in such a short time. The death of my brother, while hard, has lead to incredible things manifesting in my life.

Truth be told, I forgot to mention in my last post that I felt a lot of loneliness this last week. It was that familiar old "woe is me" despair from the last two years. I'd often feel it after returning from a visit with my mom or my brother. It was me trying to fill a "god-sized hole" with another person, to take the emptiness & loss away.

After a couple days, I realized this, and took steps to get my mind out of that whirlpool, primarily by attending 12-step meetings. It worked, as it always does.

Meanwhile, yesterday was my best running day in 2 years! Or even ever!!

I increased the Cleveland Cascade stairs from 4 laps to 6, with jumping 2-steps on every other lap. Then, I ran up the Merritt Ave. hill _four_ times! Previously I could only do 2 laps. I didn't have to wait as long to recover in between hill laps, and my stamina lasted longer for more of the run up. In 2 weeks time, my body has improved drastically. Mountains - here I come!

But the _best_ was today:

1) Went on a fabulous hike with my mountaineering pals, & got amazing new good advice on the trip. Plus no rain, spectacular views of the ocean from our Santa Cruz mountain trail, and abundant laughter.

2) THEN - I met a lady who answered my ad for needing a housesitter. We talked for an hour & a half because of the amazing serendipity of our lives. She is also getting back into outdoor life with climbing, skiing, and back country stuff. She is _also_ an aspiring writer. AND! She _also_ wants to do a project where she travels a long distance & interviews people for a book...JUST LIKE I'M DOING. We nearly fell off our chairs at the amazing connection. She turned me on to CouchSurfing.org, a place to meet locals while traveling- JUST the thing I need for my trip, as well as, the last 2 months of my time in the bay. Unbelievable.

But it gets better...

3) I just saw in my mailbox a letter from my new neighbors across the driveway. They rented the apartment my old roommate & I recently vacated. (I now live in the building next door). I told them about still getting mail there, & where to stick it. The letter contained my _driver's license_ that I dropped JUST THE DAY BEFORE, while on my run up & down the stairs!!! Can you believe it? I was so heartbroken that I dropped it, and spent 45 minutes retracing my run, scanning the ground like a mad fool.

Blessings to the angel who returned my ID.
Blessings to my new neighbors who stuck it in my mailbox.
Blessings to the housesitting lady who turned me on to the couch surfing community.
Blessings to the three ladies who creatively collaborated with my project while sharing great times in the woods.
Blessings to the heavens for sparing us rain for 6 glorious hours.
Blessings to the cop who didn't stop me while speeding to get on the San Mateo bridge this morning.
Blessings to my old neighbor for inspiring me to step into the universal flow.
Blessings to all people who make this eclectic, incredible, amazing, hectic, beautiful world a place to enjoy!

Onward ho's! (Our new Girl Power Shasta Extravaganza lead-off!)

Labels: couch surfing, driver's license, flow, Joy, life, love, manifesting, mountaineering, running, serendipity

Breathe.

07:38 Post-death grief ruminations & life happenings

Life is so rich & full when you're not working. Wow, am I lucky.

On Grief
The grieving process has been relatively smooth. I say that with a bit of tongue in cheek but not much. After losing 2 grandparents in 2008, then the on-going serious of emotional losses with my mom & brother's cancer, this grieving process feels pretty comfortable. On a hike the other day, I told my pal I was becoming a "black belt in letting go". What else can I do at this point? Certainly I don't want to remain miserable.

Another pal who recently lost her mom to cancer, said she went to a grief group at a hospice place in San Francisco. The leader said if your emotions were bouncing around all over the place, you were in a "normal" state of grief. If your emotions got stuck on one in particular, that was a bad sign.

So, my grief is "normal" - woo! Something going my way for a change. The ups & downs have been significant. Many people have offered words of support. Even just going to a poetry reading was supportive. One reader had many poems about her dad getting Alzheimer's. These touched me deeply.

One gal at a get-together I went to last week, mentioned how the grief would get better when I was able to let go of my brother's horrific suffering, and just remember him when he was healthy. She said it might take a long time. This insight was so comforting. When I left the party, I could barely get back to my car before the waterworks hit. It was the first time since I came home from the services where I felt "seen", with all that I brought to the table. That moment was a gift from the heavens.

So, all in all, it's been good. Everything is good, even the tough moments.

Moving on
Meanwhile, I'm full bore into this project to climb several peaks in my brother's honor. I'm been training heavily the last 2 weeks. This helps to elevate my mood, and is giving me a sense of accomplishment.

Part of the trip is interviewing people for their stories of transformation that inspire hope. When I did my first interview the other day, it was like coming home. The delight & joy & honor I felt at witnessing my friend tell her amazing story was overwhelming. Finally, I've moved past having a "career", and into a "calling". I can't begin to describe how lucky I feel.

I'm so thankful that I listened to those primal voices inside urging me to do what was best for me, and the universe opened up to welcome this manifestation.

So stay tuned for more on this project. The webpage will be up in a couple weeks. I'll also be hopefully getting a kickstarter page for the fundraising. It's gonna be fantastic!

Now, off to hike 3 hours in the beautiful Santa Cruz mountains. My mountaineering pal who's been on Denali told me, "Embrace suffering. Get used to it. Invite it in, bathe in it." I've already had so much emotional suffering, that physical suffering is a welcome change of pace.

Nordho.

Labels: calling, cancer death, Denali, family cancer, grief, Joy, mountaineering

Breathe.

22:38 2009 Gratitude List

1) My mom & brother are both still alive
2) Me health is good; I don't have cancer
3) My dad's health is good
4) All the rest of my family are alive & kicking, in reasonable health, and are not in financial dire straights
5) My mom & brother's cancer: if they didn't get sick, a new pathway to spiritual healing would not have opened up to me
6) I've been employed throughout the entire year, surviving 2 layoffs and an acquisition (knock on wood)
7) I was able to take off work to help my mom through treatment
8) My mom & I reconciled our relationship
9) I could afford to fly to see my dad & aunts
10) Tons of awesome rock climbing! Especially the Joshua Tree trip
11) Starting a new 12-step program for relationships
12) Working the 12-steps, and making amends to many people
13) Bought a pickup!
14) Moving in with my best friend
15) The love, support, and encouragement of friends, program friends, & family throughout the year
16) Visiting my mom, brother, and nieces in October
17) Getting a new sponsor who is loving, caring, and amazing
18) The amazing people I met in Denver over the summer
19) No major injuries to my body this year, after lots of motobike riding, climbing, and now skiing
20) My tenants pay their rent every month.
21) My brother skied with his kids for the first time last week.
22) I'm not filthy rich, but I'm making a decent wage, where I can live comfortably.
23) I have healthcare through my job.
24) I live 15min by car from my work, with no freeways.
25) I've got cool, nice neighbors.
26) My roommate's mechanic is awesome, and offered me great advice on my pickup.
27) I've reconciled with an old, dear, high school friend.
28) I've committed to leave the Bay Area in two years, and built a plan to accomplish this goal.
29) I have a 12-step program to guide me & support me through the ups & downs of life
30) I have a Higher Power
31) I finally learned not to take things so personally. (This is still a work in progress, but made a huge leap forward on this topic in 2009)
32) A group of pals came to my house with fabulous gifts, fun, & love for my birthday.
33) My yoga teacher went on a 4-month silent retreat.
34) The world didn't end; we're still here!
35) The Bears beat the Vikings in OT last Monday night. :)

Labels: 2009, 2010, grace, gratitude, happiness, Joy, love, new year, peace

Breathe.

23:45 Joy

A long overdue gracias shout out to Joy, the teenage gal who built the skin being used for my blog. (Isn't it beautiful? She's super talented...) This is my first blog ever, and I had no idea what to do, or how to build one. With Joy's gracious help, the page came together with all the tweaks I was hoping for.

Truly, if it wasn't for Joy pointing me in the right direction, this page wouldn't have come together as well as it has. I owe her so much! Funny thing is, until I just went back to her blog, I had no idea where she was from, or where she lived. Now I know, but don't feel it's appropriate to blast everywhere, so you can check out Joy's blog for yourself & find out...

She's even got this cool music player thing on her blog, too! She seems to be a pretty happy kid, which is heartwarming. It's really important to see younger generations experiencing happiness. Hopefully they'll bring that with them into adulthood, changing the world in their wake. Nobody needs to settle for the 1950's model "9-to-5" lifestyle if they don't want to. Can you imagine if just 10% of the population was truly happy with what they were doing? How would the world operate? How would we treat each other? It's people like Joy who will help to eliminate war, economic injustice, and hate.

Anyway, it's a testament to the fact that nice, kind people are everywhere around the world. Today I met with a workmate friend for lunch, and she had a blog idea, too! She's already written a bunch of stuff, but didn't know how to get the webpage going to publish it. So, I offered to help! Now that I've learned many tips & tricks from Joy, and the Blogger Support page to be sure, I can pass that on to my friend, and help her realize her dream, too. The "pay it forward" system really works, and it feels good when doing it.

Thank you, Joy, for being so awesome with your help, and for reminding me to be kind & helpful to those needing help with something.

Labels: blog post, blog support, Blogger, blogskin, family cancer, help, Joy, kindness, pay it forward

Breathe.