Unravel Cancer: Experiences with family battling cancer

27 March 2011

21:45 More on cancer grief: letting go, being in the "flow"

I can't begin to describe how amazing my life has become in such a short time. The death of my brother, while hard, has lead to incredible things manifesting in my life.

Truth be told, I forgot to mention in my last post that I felt a lot of loneliness this last week. It was that familiar old "woe is me" despair from the last two years. I'd often feel it after returning from a visit with my mom or my brother. It was me trying to fill a "god-sized hole" with another person, to take the emptiness & loss away.

After a couple days, I realized this, and took steps to get my mind out of that whirlpool, primarily by attending 12-step meetings. It worked, as it always does.

Meanwhile, yesterday was my best running day in 2 years! Or even ever!!

I increased the Cleveland Cascade stairs from 4 laps to 6, with jumping 2-steps on every other lap. Then, I ran up the Merritt Ave. hill _four_ times! Previously I could only do 2 laps. I didn't have to wait as long to recover in between hill laps, and my stamina lasted longer for more of the run up. In 2 weeks time, my body has improved drastically. Mountains - here I come!

But the _best_ was today:

1) Went on a fabulous hike with my mountaineering pals, & got amazing new good advice on the trip. Plus no rain, spectacular views of the ocean from our Santa Cruz mountain trail, and abundant laughter.

2) THEN - I met a lady who answered my ad for needing a housesitter. We talked for an hour & a half because of the amazing serendipity of our lives. She is also getting back into outdoor life with climbing, skiing, and back country stuff. She is _also_ an aspiring writer. AND! She _also_ wants to do a project where she travels a long distance & interviews people for a book...JUST LIKE I'M DOING. We nearly fell off our chairs at the amazing connection. She turned me on to CouchSurfing.org, a place to meet locals while traveling- JUST the thing I need for my trip, as well as, the last 2 months of my time in the bay. Unbelievable.

But it gets better...

3) I just saw in my mailbox a letter from my new neighbors across the driveway. They rented the apartment my old roommate & I recently vacated. (I now live in the building next door). I told them about still getting mail there, & where to stick it. The letter contained my _driver's license_ that I dropped JUST THE DAY BEFORE, while on my run up & down the stairs!!! Can you believe it? I was so heartbroken that I dropped it, and spent 45 minutes retracing my run, scanning the ground like a mad fool.

Blessings to the angel who returned my ID.
Blessings to my new neighbors who stuck it in my mailbox.
Blessings to the housesitting lady who turned me on to the couch surfing community.
Blessings to the three ladies who creatively collaborated with my project while sharing great times in the woods.
Blessings to the heavens for sparing us rain for 6 glorious hours.
Blessings to the cop who didn't stop me while speeding to get on the San Mateo bridge this morning.
Blessings to my old neighbor for inspiring me to step into the universal flow.
Blessings to all people who make this eclectic, incredible, amazing, hectic, beautiful world a place to enjoy!

Onward ho's! (Our new Girl Power Shasta Extravaganza lead-off!)

Labels: couch surfing, driver's license, flow, Joy, life, love, manifesting, mountaineering, running, serendipity

Breathe.

21:16 Work/Life

Talked to my brother this afternoon, for the first time since I returned from Denver. His fundraiser went really well, apparently. It was really good to hear that.

We caught up on some pleasantries. When he asked me about work, verbal vomit about the difficulties in recent weeks ensued. But, even in talking it out, I can see that there are positive sides to the situation.

My brother has a more "they're out to get me" attitude. He said that there are mean people in the world who sometimes kick you when you're down. That may be true. But, often I've found I attract mean people when I'm down on myself.

This was a major contributing factor to getting mugged a block from my house, 1 month after I moved. Not only had I just moved, which was extremely stressful, but 1 week later my mom had a seizure, and a week after that my brother's MRI revealed his tumor, after he began experiencing tingling in his arms.

Carrying 4 heavy bags full of Trader Joe's goodies, while talking on my cell phone, because my tenants were acting up & I called my dad for support, really made me a target. Fortunately, I did not let go of my bag, so the girl didn't get it. (Yes, it was a teenage girl.)

It took me quite a while to recover from all this. But, deep down, I knew I had attracted this into my life. My vibration was quite vulnerable and low, and people who are out to take advantage of someone seek that kind of vibration.

Since returning from Denver, having had a spiritual breakthrough, I haven't had any negative experiences here. In fact, I've met more amazing people since returning from Denver than I had thought possible. Truly nice folks! One night, the sidewalk was closed near to the Trader Joe's. I was walking back home with only one bag, thank you, and a lady with a beautiful German Shepherd told me the sidewalk was closed. We proceeded to cross the other direction, and began chatting about her dog. She was really nice! We had a great chat, and then parted ways. Her dog Triton, was sweet, and enjoyed the ear scratches I gave him.

Like attracts like, and the more I stay positive and peaceful, the more nice experiences I have like this. Not every person I meet is this lovely, but on the whole, there are more lovely folks than there are cranky ones.

Meanwhile, my work has been super "balls to the wall". As I was telling my brother this, he commented that that's just life. We've all been there, and we all want to escape these situations some time. Although it was really sweet that he was supportive, he also seemed kinda bitter & jaded. He chalked things up to "that's life". But, does it have to be?

Hearing my sponsor talk on Sunday, was a breathe of fresh air & hope. She explained her path, and how she was going with the flow of how her Higher Power was leading her. It lead her to quit her job, start a company, and now do relief work in Kenya. It was incredibly inspirational! She told me that one person can make a difference. Just like one person writing a blog can inspire others to keep going.

(A quick aside: thanks to all my pals for commenting & cheering me on in the background. You continually rock my gratitude wheel!)

This is what I want. I want to find my calling. I want to have so much trust in the Universe that I go with the flow of what I'm meant to do. Somehow working a 9-5 job in a big tech company does not seem to be it. Today, I was daydreaming about performing again.

I can't wait to get through this 4th step, so that I can move forward into all these new and wonderful directions that I want to explore. Who knows what kind of new career is waiting for me out there?

Prayer for us all:
May we overcome our fears, so that our souls accomplish their destined path in this lifetime.

"Love and Gratitude"

Labels: chatting, family cancer, gratitude, life, nice people, prayer, Trader Joe's, work

Breathe.

I'm a 30-something professional woman who's mother & brother were both diagnosed with Grade 3 Astrocytoma tumors within about a week of each other. My mother's tumor is in her brain, and my brother's tumor is in his spinal cord, causing him to lose feeling in his arms & legs. These writings are about my experiences dealing with them, coping, loving them, loving myself, and living my life knowing that they are both dying. I hope you find inspiration and courage from my writings to help you get through whatever is going on in your life.