Unravel Cancer: Experiences with family battling cancer

22 July 2009

21:45 PostScript on Denver

Holy crud - I forgot to mention the weather!

That's the other thing that blew me away in Denver. Every day was sunny & hot. Even when the thunderstorms & rain came through in the afternoons, it was no big deal. The temperature hardly dropped, and the moisture was instantly absorbed anyway, since it's so dry out there.

The Monday after I returned, the fog came back into the bay with a vengence. It has been so thick, the burnoff doesn't happen til 1-2PM every day. It was so thick today, it covered the tops of the East Bay hills, like a cloak of evil on a fair maiden.

The weather was so good in Denver, it made me want to move there. Who knows where my path will lead?

Labels: cancer, Denver, family cancer, friend cancer, weather

Breathe.

16:59 Denver

There's so much to say about being in Denver for 4 weeks. Firstly, I had no idea what to expect. The last time I spent any significant time there, was the summer before my Sophomore year of college. I was totally lost, doing lots of drugs, getting into trouble, barely holding down a job, and hanging out with lots of rough characters.

I was scared of dating, and didn't know how to. I was scared of making good friends, and left people who "wronged" me in the dust, for fear of becoming too attached. I didn't take responsibility for anything, and felt the world was out to get me. This is what happens when a person grows up in an abusive home, rampant with alcoholism and dysfunction in general. A warning to all you parents out there...

But, despite those days, I've made a point to overcome my past. In flew my plane to Denver, and my heart was open to whatever would reveal itself to me; like a lotus bud waiting to flower on a pond. Also, I was so focused on how to get through each day with my mom, that I pushed any judgement about Denver aside.

Boy, I'm so glad I did!

Secondly, it turns out that some of the most amazing, beautiful, loving, caring, and compassionate people live in Denver, and I was lucky enough to meet them! I met wonderful people at the Iyengar Yoga studio ( http://iyengaryogacenter.com/ ) and got some bodywork done from one of the instructors there. The circumstances forced me to try something new, and move away from my usual yoga teacher in SF (whom I still love). It was so neat to learn new techniques for the same poses I've done for years. It helped me to keep Beginner's Mind.

Thirdly, the people at the 12-step group meetings that I attended were totally fantastic! I've never felt so welcomed, so loved unconditionally, than in those groups. The Joy group and the Sunday night Lakewood group were completely amazing. As a result, I've been blessed with deep connections with incredible people that will last a lifetime. I even got a self-care package from Melissa with tons of goodies! You rock, girl!

And lastly, the climbers I met at Thrill Seekers gym ( http://www.thrillseekers.cc/ ) were hella amazing! Dave & Josh treated me to a fantastic day trip to the Dream Canyon of upper Boulder Creek (I'll post photos soon), and Troy & Derek took me to the Capitalist Crag of the Clear Creek Canyon. Bence didn't come outdoors to climb, but he showed me this super cool house that he built. And, he pushed me hard in the gym - what any climber would ask for from a more experienced partner.

All in all, it was a completely & totally amazing experience. People who barely knew me a week were so incredibly supportive, caring, and helpful to me. All these folks opened their hearts to me, in a way that will touch me forever. it just goes to show, that when someone has a bad day, you never know what they are going through. Go the extra mile to offer compassion to them. You never know who you might touch, and lift up, even for just a moment.

The capacity for the human soul to care & offer compassion to others is truly a miracle. I will take this feeling with me, and try to practice it in all my affairs.

Thank you, Denver.

Labels: 12 step, alcoholism, Boulder Creek, cancer, Clear Creek, Colorado, Denver, drug use, family abuse, family cancer, friend cancer, iyengar, rock climbing, yoga

Breathe.

08:55 Work

I was quite afraid to come to work yesterday, not knowing what kind of large pile would be in my inbox, and what people's expectations would be.

Bless my boss's heart for telling folks I'd need a few days to get back into the swing of things. But, how do you jump back into something when your heart isn't in it?

For those of you taking time off work to care for a sick loved one, take it from me on what _not_ to do: don't try to work while you are caretaking. That was the biggest mistake I made. I tried to keep tabs on things, and it did nothing but stress me out. Because, when people in the corporate world see you respond to emails, they assume you're working & are mentally up to snuff like usual.

One thing I didn't expect was to see my mental faculties, even just basic concentration, plummet. It was quite difficult to maintain my thoughts on a subject at length, or to remember what was said in a meeting even a day or two prior. I wasn't keeping accurate notes, and struggled to search for old emails or documents to aid my delivery. For someone who manages a heavy workload and is pretty dialed-in every day, not staying at that level was a shock to me. I thought something was wrong with me that I couldn't keep up.

By the time I realized this, it was already 2 weeks into my time away. So, I began to respond less, and redirect folks to other people or locations for information. By week 4, I simply gave up. But, people's expectations were based on week 1 . Now, I'm asking for people to get me up to speed, and help me remember what was discussed. It feels embarrassing & weird.

One good thing that came out of it was recognizing how I trained colleagues to come to me for the answer, instead of empowering them to find the answer themselves. During the last weeks, someone told me, "We train people how to treat us.". Giving some slack to myself, let's also be real about people simply being lazy, and not looking up the information with the tools they have. However, by being "nice", and helpful & answering everyone's questions, people come to me for fish instead of catching their own fish. A positive result was my seeing this, and responding with firmer boundaries. Probably I stepped on some people's toes, but I need to protect and care for myself now. My roommate calls this "mojo protection mode".

Much to my surprise, yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It hasn't taken me as long as I thought to get back into "work mode" brain. Still, the question, "What am I doing here?" dogs me, and is immediately followed by "And how did I get here in this handbasket?".

I'm not even phoning it in, but snail mailing it. "Going through the motions" just feels yucky. But a good pal reminded me the other day "This too shall pass". I just don't want my life to fade away in passing, and wake up 20 years later in exactly the same boat. Starting this blog was one way to break out of the routine, and explore more creativity. We'll see how the rest of my crazy ideas go. More on that later.

Labels: astrocytoma, boss, brain tumor, cancer, cancer survivor, cancer treatment, caretake, co-workers, family cancer, friend cancer, spinal cord tumor, work

Breathe.

I'm a 30-something professional woman who's mother & brother were both diagnosed with Grade 3 Astrocytoma tumors within about a week of each other. My mother's tumor is in her brain, and my brother's tumor is in his spinal cord, causing him to lose feeling in his arms & legs. These writings are about my experiences dealing with them, coping, loving them, loving myself, and living my life knowing that they are both dying. I hope you find inspiration and courage from my writings to help you get through whatever is going on in your life.