Unravel Cancer: Experiences with family battling cancer: Work

21 July 2009

08:55 Work

I was quite afraid to come to work yesterday, not knowing what kind of large pile would be in my inbox, and what people's expectations would be.

Bless my boss's heart for telling folks I'd need a few days to get back into the swing of things. But, how do you jump back into something when your heart isn't in it?

For those of you taking time off work to care for a sick loved one, take it from me on what _not_ to do: don't try to work while you are caretaking. That was the biggest mistake I made. I tried to keep tabs on things, and it did nothing but stress me out. Because, when people in the corporate world see you respond to emails, they assume you're working & are mentally up to snuff like usual.

One thing I didn't expect was to see my mental faculties, even just basic concentration, plummet. It was quite difficult to maintain my thoughts on a subject at length, or to remember what was said in a meeting even a day or two prior. I wasn't keeping accurate notes, and struggled to search for old emails or documents to aid my delivery. For someone who manages a heavy workload and is pretty dialed-in every day, not staying at that level was a shock to me. I thought something was wrong with me that I couldn't keep up.

By the time I realized this, it was already 2 weeks into my time away. So, I began to respond less, and redirect folks to other people or locations for information. By week 4, I simply gave up. But, people's expectations were based on week 1 . Now, I'm asking for people to get me up to speed, and help me remember what was discussed. It feels embarrassing & weird.

One good thing that came out of it was recognizing how I trained colleagues to come to me for the answer, instead of empowering them to find the answer themselves. During the last weeks, someone told me, "We train people how to treat us.". Giving some slack to myself, let's also be real about people simply being lazy, and not looking up the information with the tools they have. However, by being "nice", and helpful & answering everyone's questions, people come to me for fish instead of catching their own fish. A positive result was my seeing this, and responding with firmer boundaries. Probably I stepped on some people's toes, but I need to protect and care for myself now. My roommate calls this "mojo protection mode".

Much to my surprise, yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It hasn't taken me as long as I thought to get back into "work mode" brain. Still, the question, "What am I doing here?" dogs me, and is immediately followed by "And how did I get here in this handbasket?".

I'm not even phoning it in, but snail mailing it. "Going through the motions" just feels yucky. But a good pal reminded me the other day "This too shall pass". I just don't want my life to fade away in passing, and wake up 20 years later in exactly the same boat. Starting this blog was one way to break out of the routine, and explore more creativity. We'll see how the rest of my crazy ideas go. More on that later.

Labels: astrocytoma, boss, brain tumor, cancer, cancer survivor, cancer treatment, caretake, co-workers, family cancer, friend cancer, spinal cord tumor, work

Breathe.

I'm a 30-something professional woman who's mother & brother were both diagnosed with Grade 3 Astrocytoma tumors within about a week of each other. My mother's tumor is in her brain, and my brother's tumor is in his spinal cord, causing him to lose feeling in his arms & legs. These writings are about my experiences dealing with them, coping, loving them, loving myself, and living my life knowing that they are both dying. I hope you find inspiration and courage from my writings to help you get through whatever is going on in your life.