Unravel Cancer: Experiences with family battling cancer: Yoga Retreat

27 July 2009

07:30 Yoga Retreat

Didn't have time to post before heading to a yoga retreat at Sierra Hot Springs over the weekend. It was exactly what I needed. The instructor is someone I've taken classes from for about 8 or 9 years, and is also a cranio-sacral bodyworker whom I've worked with for a long time. You can learn more about this teacher here: http://www.youthyogadharma.org/

Anyway, it was a very deep & important time. The theme was Mothers, as it turned out the yoga instructor's mom was also ill. We dedicated our practice to her. The underlying theme, was gentleness, kindness, and compassion for oneself. The teacher brought in many readings from well-known female spiritual guides, that discussed how finding "grace", could be done via gentleness with oneself. The idea was that meditation could lay a foundation for this gentleness, and grace could spring from that. When I get the authors' names, I'll post them.

The first evening after the meditation, I chose a card from the Goddess card deck that the teacher brought with her, and placed on the altar. The card I chose was Inanna, the Queen of Heaven from the Sumerian mythology. Inanna decided to travel to the Underworld, to meet her sister, Eriskegal, the goddess of death. On the way there, she was stripped of all her regalia, and stood naked before her brutally horrible sister. When the Goddess of the Underworld turned her stone eyes onto Inanna, she died, and hung on hooks for 3 days and nights. The only way she could return home, was to find a replacement for herself. All the ones sent to her to replace her were captured by demons. Finally, she chose her arrogant lover, who had ascended her throne while she was gone. A fitting choice, if I do say so...

While I certainly didn't dangle from hooks at the retreat, the story illuminated for me the process I've been going through. Caretaking for my mom was going to the Underworld; and in a way, meeting her was meeting my shadow self. There are many aspects to my mom that are troublesome to me: her constant anxiety, need for self-perfection, magical thinking, and abject willfulness at situations she doesn't like, not to mention her fear of just about everything these days. Yet, she and I are cut from the same cloth. I struggle with these things in many ways. It's taken years of therapy, yoga, meditation, and 12-step programs to undo many of the bad mental & emotional habits I learned from her.

In caring for her, I got to see how far I've progressed. However, it took a lot of strength, prayer, and un-willfulness (meaning letting go of the results) to withstand being sucked back into a negative mindset & habit-track. Every day could have been miserable, if I let it be, or chose it. But, instead, I battened down the hatches of my spiritual core, called for reinforcements through friends & fellowship, let myself cry, and withstood the storm.

The rest of the retreat resulted in me coming back from my visit to the Underworld. I'm not sure exactly who was my replacement - maybe my old self? Either way, a new me was born, rising through the ashes of these challenging times, like a phoenix with twin turbo afterburners.

I was reminded of my choices, and how easily I buckle under the cajoling of strong personalities, with an interaction from another retreat participant. It was amazing to see myself try to blame her for my choice, even though I felt pressured by her offer. In the end, I buckled under her repeated offer. The responsibility falls on me. It was a poignant reminder of how I interact with my mom's willful personality.

I also struggled with interactions with a group of men who were on a nature & mediation retreat. They often sat next to us at the picnic tables for meals. I started to get involved in their business in a seemingly innocent way, over a piece of pie. But, beyond that, my interactions were inappropriately assumptive. None of their conversations were about me, but I tried to make them about me. It was fascinating to see. I can say that now but there was a lot of shame, embarrassment, and KFUK radio all through the evening and next day.

In the Saturday evening meditation, I experienced great pain in the shoulders and upper back area. I figured it was a result of being super loose from all the yoga & massage throughout the day. But our teacher explained that this feeling is common during sitting mediation. It is a result of the heart opening to some new aspect of the self, awaking a part that had been unconscious. It's funny how awareness and advancement to enlightenment involves pain. Although I was skeptical at first, the painful feeling wasn't there the next morning during the morning mediation session. So, it rang true for me after all.

The last days' yoga class, which was 3 hours, was the cherry on top. We did many of the same poses, from the prior day, but with more refinement. There was a lot of shoulder opening work, which also helps to open the heart. The tightness in my right hip was singing a familiar tune by then. During a series of poses involving a block and the shoulders, the instructor told me I was shortening the right arm/shoulder. She said it's likely that the right side of my body is always tight, which pulls at the left side, making it go out.

This statement was like hearing or the first time, the earth really is round. Holy Toledo, I would have fallen over, but I was already lying on the ground. It was then that the realization hit me, that I was getting in touch with the right side of my body in an aware & present way, for the very first time. The right side was always stronger, less injury prone, dominant, and vigilant. The left side was always weaker, prone to injury, clumsy, and scrunched up. Often in bodywork sessions my teacher suggested the right side of my body housed my strength & willfulness, and the left side housed my vulnerability. Now it's clear that in seeing my shadow, my Eriskegal, face to face - in my mom, in others - I was becoming more balanced, more whole. The internal journey was reflected in my outer shell of skin & bones.

Even in writing this, I'm pretty blown away. It was an incredible thing to experience. My hope is that this awareness will continue to remain, and not fade away (another post on that in a minute).

Meanwhile, the retreat ended, we took another excruciatingly hot car-ride (the car's A/C died) West on I-80 (with a respite at Ikeda's - yay!) , and into the Bay Area, where the fog was a welcome cloak of refreshing cool, unlike most days.

It was the perfect thing to wrap up a summer of intensity, emotion, and heaviness. The retreat, and all the lovely ladies who participated, helped me to tie off a giant loose end in my own psyche. I became grounded, aware, and content - dare I even say happy? - by the end. It's amazing how taken care of we are, if we just let life unfold...

Labels: cancer, cancer survivor, family cancer, goddess, hot springs, Inanna, meditation, retreat, sierra, Tahoe, yoga

Breathe.

I'm a 30-something professional woman who's mother & brother were both diagnosed with Grade 3 Astrocytoma tumors within about a week of each other. My mother's tumor is in her brain, and my brother's tumor is in his spinal cord, causing him to lose feeling in his arms & legs. These writings are about my experiences dealing with them, coping, loving them, loving myself, and living my life knowing that they are both dying. I hope you find inspiration and courage from my writings to help you get through whatever is going on in your life.