Unravel Cancer: Experiences with family battling cancer: Good Conversations

04 August 2009

22:25 Good Conversations

With ML: We talked about how writing can be a tool to wallow in self-pity & martyrdom. While it's important to express oneself, care must be taken to not use words to perpetuate one's misery.

We discussed how staying focused on the audience helps bring a writer out of their own heads, and instead think of the "other", the non-creator, the one who will absorb what was created.

We discussed ageing & infirm parents, and how we have both arrived at the idea of caring for a parent as being a privilege. I spoke to him about my transformation from a self-absorbed Bay Area pseudo-yuppie (only pseudo cuz I don't own a car, or a TV, and I actually ski & climb well), to a person who thinks of others, who goes slow, and who strives for grace through being gentle with herself.

We also talked about walking more. He told me how he recently bought a really cool old guitar, with some kind of special fret system, because he decided to walk from a cafe down the block to the post office. He walked past a house having a garage sale, saw the guitar, and had a great conversation with the owner's son who was selling it. We agreed slowing down, walking more, and taking in one's surroundings was the way to go in life. Looking at all the beauty around oneself in the day can help to remove the fear, dread, & misery that comes with facing mortality. Can't wait to hear his song about walking...

With CM: We discussed how a person in our situation (both with a parent dying of cancer) needs to take care of themselves. We both had experiences with friends who said inappropriate things. We agreed that sometimes a person should get some distance from even a good, old friend if there is massive drama erupting. Protecting oneself when one is vulnerable is perfectly ok.

He also told me about creativity; sometimes it's good to have downtime from being creative, so that the creative moment doesn't start to replicate itself, and your work becomes repetitive. He explained how he forces "gaps" into his creativity, to keep things fresh.

We also discussed how generally people are self-centered, and just don't care about someone who is going through a tough time. He also experienced people at work and in other areas blowing him off. I mentioned how tough it was to push away my feelings, my desires, and dreams, my unfolding manifestation, to work at my 8+ hour a day desk job in Corporate America. This one aspect alone is the major fuel for my fatigue and lethargy.

We both also experienced the transformation of age & maturity. He mentioned his friend whom he had a falling out with often said, "My friends are my family. They treat me better than anyone in my family would." CM replied, "At the end of the day, when you die, who will make your funeral arrangements?" This hit home for me, and I explained how I came to the same realization. I told him how my mom & I had broken through some seriously old S&^%, in order to be with each other and support one another. I'll never forget the morning when my mom had a crying fit in the car on the way to the hospital, and then I had one when we left. We both laughed at how much we were "girls". But, at least we could cry about our frustrations. CM and I agreed, that no matter how awful one's family was to them, or what kind of God-awful people they are today, your family is your family. You're stuck with them no matter what. So, you might as well get off your ass and be part of the group.

With AG: We mostly filled each other in on what was going on in the last few months since we'd talked. Her health drama has settled down, which is so wonderful to hear. My challenges were there, but I also talked about the transformative aspect.

We laughed when I told her about slowing down, and how it was hard the first few days I was helping my mom. We were running late those first few days, because I didn't realize how long it took my mom to get into the car (she has a neurological problem on the right side of her body, causing severe restriction in mobility in both her arm & leg). So, I high-tailed it down the street on a giant 3-lane "expressway" to the hospital, dodging pedestrians, and swerving around light poles in her twin turbo Audi! Hell to the yes! Meanwhile, by the third day she managed to squeeze out of gritted teeth that I was scaring her. Somehow I never noticed the white nuckling and nail gouges in the dashboard... So, I told my mom, "Look at it this way - by the time you get there, you can tell the radiation nurse - 'I've already had the worst part of my day, this is cake!' And even if you have a heart attack, we're almost there, so it's no hassle. In fact, they may even give us a 'two-for-one' convenience discount! The ER is only one door down from radiation, Ma!" Thankfully, my mom was able to laugh at that.

Towards the end, AG told me something quite profound: even though she's heard the stories, and seen my strength as I've mortared a wall, brick by brick, between myself and the alcoholism & abuse of my family, it clearly has caused me a great deal of pain. She told me that she can sense that, and knows it to be true even though I've never directly stated it. For the first time in a long while, I felt seen & heard by a person who deeply cares about me. It is a moment I will cherish in my heart forever. Although there were plenty of tearful moments with my mom, her acknowledgements also come out of a deeply entrenched insecurity. But when my dear pal AG said these things to me, it came from a person of self-assurance and compassion. It was a severely touching moment to hear these words from my friend. I felt watched over and cared for, for the first time in a great long while. For one moment, I could lay my head on her shoulder.

With RC: He told me about his experiences with his family at his aunt's funeral, and how he has finally accepted the behavior of his mad siblings. He saw their reality in a whole other way, and has decided to stop financially supporting them. It was a tough decision, as anyone with an addicted family member knows, to take the step towards self-care and "tough love" for the addict.

He also explained how he's taken the self-love he's developed over this time to his job. When people criticize him at work, he simply listens and says, "Thank you." He allows them to speak, doesn't jump back at them or argues, and then moves on with his day without letting their snarkiness win over him. He compared it to Jesus saying "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do" on the cross. He said this about the people who were persecuting him! To carry that level of compassion & forgiveness seems impossible, but if Jesus can do it, so can all of us.

I talked about how a theme of the yoga & mediation retreat was Grace, how one falls out of it, but also how one steps into it again. I told him how holding myself in Grace & loving myself, even though I'm reacting to stuff unrealistically sometimes. I exlained how being kind to myself, and going slow enough to understand how I feel, is when the door opens to taking the next right action to care for myself, and then for others.

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I'm sure there were many other good talks, but these were the most profound, and the ones I wanted to share. There have been plenty of laughs between my roommate and I, too, which is a great feeling. It seems we are better adjusted to each other now.

CM & I only met at the gym the other day, and a conversation about a chalkbag lead to cancer. It just goes to show that the more I stay present, and open my heart to whatever I'm feeling inside, the more I'm presented with beautiful, wonderful people to share the journey with, even if for one hour...

No matter how bad the grief gets, or how low I go, I'll take the advice of my dear pal SB, who told me in Denver, "When I get into a low spot, everything stops. I just go into bed, crawl under the covers, and wait it out. I tell everybody & everything 'To hell with you', because I know I need to take care of me at all costs. Depression is like quicksand - the more you struggle, the deeper you will sink. But, if you just relax & breathe, and accept the fact that you're in quicksand, and not try to struggle to get out, then eventually - inch by inch - you'll become unstuck."

Thank you & blessings to these and all my friends who got my back.

Labels: compassion, conversation, depression, driving, friends, grace, love, martyr, struggle, victim, writing

Breathe.

I'm a 30-something professional woman who's mother & brother were both diagnosed with Grade 3 Astrocytoma tumors within about a week of each other. My mother's tumor is in her brain, and my brother's tumor is in his spinal cord, causing him to lose feeling in his arms & legs. These writings are about my experiences dealing with them, coping, loving them, loving myself, and living my life knowing that they are both dying. I hope you find inspiration and courage from my writings to help you get through whatever is going on in your life.