Unravel Cancer: Experiences with family battling cancer: Cleaning

01 September 2009

08:22 Cleaning

It's been a long time since I posted. The primary reason is I've been focusing on the "fearless and moral inventory" that is the 4th Step in 12-step groups. I've been writing down all the resentments I've ever known, over my entire life. So far, there are over 800 entries. I'm only just mid-way through my 20's...

Anyway, since it's taking a while, my sponsor decided to begin the 5th step with me, which is to "admit to God and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs". There I was, a few days ago, sitting in her beautiful back yard adjacent to the East Bay hills. From over the roof of her house you could see brown grass, green trees, and blue sky, with hawks circling above. The classic California vista.

Fittingly, she was pulling weeds in they yard, as I methodically went through, line by line, each resentment, and each list of character defects. The breeze was blowing, and her black kitty cat was purring and mewing. Some of the entries were funny, some were poignant. Some she could relate to, others she acknowledged with a nod.

The process was exhausting, but also a relief. We didn't get through all the entries that day, but something was transformed. Shame about my inner world, about the things my crazy brain tells me were revealed to someone else. There was no place to hide. Yet, I wasn't required to "let it go". That's not what the 4th step is about. My sponsor acknowledged that help comes later, from my Higher Power, in the form of surrender and asking for removal of the defects of character. That was such a relief, because there were some challenging resentments that I still felt in my gut as I was speaking them out loud to her.

Afterwards, exhausted, empty, yet peaceful, I went to Ikea. The perfect American consumer response to a spiritual awakening. However! This is significant, because it was the first time almost since I moved, that I felt comfortable buying something for my house. Upon returning home, motivation actually surfaced enough to get me cleaning my house, and putting together the lamp and picture frame I had bought. It sounds disgusting, but it was the first time I dusted my room since I moved. Between not being here, and rushing to get back into a work routine, there's been no motivation.

With the cleansing of my deepest darkest fears, resentments, hatreds, and ill will, I was finally willing to clean my house. Buddhists often say "an ordered space lends itself to an ordered mind." Moving through the 4th and 5th step work finally opened up space to tidy up. It sounds silly, but when dealing with heavy emotions or stress from work (which I've had a lot of lately), it's easy to get lazy. The time I spend caring for my space is a reflection on my level of internal peace.

Anyway, call me a nut, but the parallel seemed obvious and kinda cool.

The other big gift of the 4th & 5th step have been the realization that all this pain & grief really was a gift. The tough experiences I've had this year opened me up to examine the patterns of my mind, my self-centeredness, my self-absorption. As a society we are often very "feeling" focused. The traditional therapeutic model supports this. ("And how does that make you feel?") For folks who are shut down, and don't know their feelings, that's great. Even in my early 12-step years, I needed to learn how to accurately identify my feelings. Growing up with alcoholism and abuse created a lot of confusion about what feelings were, which ones were "ok" to have and not, etc.

But now that feelings are clearer and more comprehensible to me, it's time to move on. Certainly I'll still have feelings, but they won't control my whole day, or rule my decisions. The step process outlined in 4 & 5 gives me an opportunity to step back from my feelings, become more of an observer, and not be so married to them. Frankly, it feels great. Many times I've shared in meetings and with my sponsor that, "I'm sick of my own self". If I let myself go to DramaVille, it'll be a whirlpool of madness I spin in every single day. Finally, I'm getting relief from the drama my own mind concocts.

Why am I like this? How did I get this way? These are questions I often ask myself. While there is no one answer, a lot of it has to do with being raised in chaos. When home life is unstable, children learn to adjust to it to cope. Later in life, once that child becomes an adult, that coping can sometimes translate into a thrive on drama. The person creates drama for themselves to replicate what they had as a child. In a twisted way, it's comfortable. It's what they are used to. Finally! A process that's teaching me how to cut through that drama, and through the negative thinking that was developed in childhood. Finally, I can come back to my true nature.

There's a lot more exciting stuff as a result of this process, but meanwhile, I must return to work. Stay tuned...

Labels: 12 step, 4th step, 5th step, family cancer, healing, inventory

Breathe.

I'm a 30-something professional woman who's mother & brother were both diagnosed with Grade 3 Astrocytoma tumors within about a week of each other. My mother's tumor is in her brain, and my brother's tumor is in his spinal cord, causing him to lose feeling in his arms & legs. These writings are about my experiences dealing with them, coping, loving them, loving myself, and living my life knowing that they are both dying. I hope you find inspiration and courage from my writings to help you get through whatever is going on in your life.