It's been a long while since I posted, but this is a topic that's been on my mind, and thought it warranted a quick post.
Lust is a powerful drug. It took me weeks to "come off" the high of this last dude. My hormones were in such overload, I thought I would explode. It was even bad during my period - go figure! TMI, maybe yes, but fact is girls feel sexual stuff, too. And trust me when I say, I'm leaving out a _lot_ of details.
Anyway, experiencing the physical withdrawal brought about much new understanding about my actions & behavior. So much so, that when I told my new sponsor about it, she recommended a new 12-step group that specifically focuses on sex & love issues.
Holy crud, not another program! Will I ever get my life back?! Is there such a thing as too much processing?
Despite my resistance, going to these meetings really helps. People talk about their issues with dating & sex, etc. with such a loving frankness, it's blown my mind. What they have done, is capture a language around what we all have experienced. Having the structure of words to describe my experiences has exponentially increased my understanding of my own dating & love & (let's face it) lust issues.
Lust is a blocker. It's one of the best ways to block out my feelings of loneliness, block out my fears, block out emotional intimacy between me & the other person, block out the reality of a potential incompatibility, and the list goes on.
It also blocked out my ability to make good choices with my work. And it blocked out my connection with my sponsor, and my Higher Power. It is one of the most solid walls, or blocking surfaces ever created.
But, damn, it feels good!
Lust makes me feel alive. It provides me lots of attention, and feeling desired feels nice. Plus, it can drive some really amazing sex...
But, I've come to realize Lust is not what I want in a relationship. It will prevent long-term seeds from being planted, like making the soil too acid or alkaline. It's one thing to have some amount in the "honeymoon period" of a new relationship; but it's an entirely other thing to have it be the foundation of the whole enchilada. If there is not other intimacy, friend intimacy, etc., then 9 times out of 10 things will fall apart.
This does not apply to everyone. I've met several people who have started a relationship based on the physical, and it lasted many years. In one case, the couple have been married for 15 years.
But for me, personally, lust-based hookups don't last. It's really my preference to get to know the person better, and have some knowledge or understanding of them before hopping in the sack. It creates safety for me, allowing me to relax & be care-free.
I'm passing out at the keyboard, so that's all I got...
Labels: 12 step, intimacy, lust, recovery
