Unravel Cancer: Experiences with family battling cancer: 4th Step Done!

26 September 2009

12:33 4th Step Done!

It's been done for a week, actually. Almost 1500 entries of my resentments were listed. It was quite a relief to be completed.

I learned so much about myself by doing this exercise. Splayed out on the page, with nowhere for me to hide, was my continuous pattern of taking things personally. In circumstance after circumstance, if the situation didn't go my way, I'd either point the finger & blame others (especially in the "their out to get me" victim-mode), or I'd blame myself, and tell myself I suck because I'm not perfect.

Wow, what a load off. These patterns are so insidious, that truly at this point, only a power greater than myself can remove them.

Additionally, thinking like this has lead to a type of selfishness. My sponsor says over & over again that our society, even the whole world, perpetuates the idea that what we "feel" is "real". Therapists ask "how did that make you feel?", little kids are taught the feeling chart "happy", "Angry", "Sad" with smiley faces. So I feel something - so what?

I have no idea if I'll ever change as a result of these steps, but countless others have tried them and experienced a spiritual awakening. I'm hoping that continuing on with the steps will bring me to a place where I can be of service & useful to others, just like my sponsor suggested. In seeing my own self-absorption, it doesn't feel that great. I'd like to think of others. In fact, the last 2 dudes I dated complained I wasn't giving them enough time. But really, I can see now, I wasn't thinking about anyone but myself.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not trying to dis myself here. But just take an objective view of how I've been living my life. There's no shame, or right/wrong here. I developed the way I did, and there's no changing the past. But, taking a thorough look at myself gives me the hope to change for the future...

On the advice of my sponsor, I'm continuing on with a daily inventory. This is a helpful relief, as it continues to remind me of my selfish reactions every day, especially at work.

And, although I haven't gone through all the steps yet, just bringing my attention to these patterns has helped to reduce them. I'm really excited for the next steps to come.

Yay!

Next post will be about the roller-coaster relationship with my sponsor, and seeing her program in action - a humbling & beautiful experience. Stay tuned!

Labels: 4th step, al-anon, al-anon sponsor, alcoholism

Breathe.

I'm a 30-something professional woman who's mother & brother were both diagnosed with Grade 3 Astrocytoma tumors within about a week of each other. My mother's tumor is in her brain, and my brother's tumor is in his spinal cord, causing him to lose feeling in his arms & legs. These writings are about my experiences dealing with them, coping, loving them, loving myself, and living my life knowing that they are both dying. I hope you find inspiration and courage from my writings to help you get through whatever is going on in your life.