Unravel Cancer: Experiences with family battling cancer: Promotion

27 October 2009

11:11 Promotion

Right now I'm terribly wrought with emotion. So much so, I don't know what to do except start writing.

I made a few program calls, but wasn't able to reach anyone. Maybe I should keep trying... Most people are at work now, though.

I found out today I lost out on a promotion at work. I didn't even know I was in the running for one. It went to another guy that deserves it, mostly, although I've never been a fan of his style. But on the whole, I'm happy for him.

The reason my boss stated was that I still needed to "work on things", like my time management, and meetings. This was a reference to the meeting I dialed-in late for while at the boi's house fooling around instead of working.

I can't even begin to tell you how badly I want to walk over to his office & just hit him. Obviously I played a role in this too. I admit that. But, I wasn't the person who tried to hi-jack him away from his work, and kept the groping going on with minutes to spare. He even looked at my phone's clock, and kept me flat on the bed when it was 3 minutes to the hour. Turns out my phone clock was off by a few minutes. I dialed in 5 minutes late on a call with two of the top executives of the company.

I'm also angry at myself. Why didn't I put my foot down harder? Why didn't I say no, and insist on going into the office in between those two meetings? I knew how important it was. I was scared I might hit traffic and not dial-in on time, or at least that's what I said in my mind to justify staying with him.

I wanted to please him, and make him happy. I didn't want him to be upset that I was "putting up walls" like he complained I was. How co-dependent is that? What the hell happened to me that day?

Blaming him or me won't get either of us anywhere. Fact is, we both screwed up. We both let our lust & passion get the better of us. We were both selfish: he was selfishly after my body, and I was selfishly letting him.

This is one of the most challenging mistakes I've had to accept in the last few years. I've been on a steadily improving career path for quite some time now, mostly as a result of working a 12-step program. Today is a very humbling day.

Despite my blood-thirsty rage, at the end of the day, there must be a bigger reason for all this. Everything will work out in the end. I have to trust that more will be revealed, and that my Higher Power has my back on this. Otherwise, I run the risk of going postal in his building, and specifically, in his aisle. This is an incredibly painful & difficult lesson.

But, at least I'm learning something. I'm learning to not trust the youthful exuberance of a 28-year old kid. I'm learning to not fall victim to someone's attention just because I feel lonely. I've learned to see when two personalities aren't a match for one another much earlier.

Also, I've learned to see the bright side. My boss really does want to help me, and I believe he is sincere in that. He said he talked with the HR guy about ways to help me improve my skills in the areas he feels I need it. Anybody who is willing to work with someone to help them be a better person is a good guy in my book.

In fact, as I broke the news of the "no more boi" story to my roommate last night, we talked about how what I really want is a partner who will help me improve myself, and offer me an opportunity to improve him. That element wasn't present with me & this boi. I never felt he had my best interests at heart. It only seemed like his interests were at the forefront of his mind, especially his physical interests.

My boss said he'd try to get me more money, at least. When I told him I was more interested in getting another person hired, he was sheepish in his reply of "we're working on it". If we don't hire another person, then maybe it's just as well. I don't have the bandwidth to try & train someone. Maybe what I'll do instead is try to take that finance class he offered, and just start looking for new jobs in Chicago, since I already felt compelled to move there. That'll take up at least 6 months.

The last time I lost out on a promotion, it was more about politics, not about my screw-ups. I was able to say to myself, "Ok, self. You better work so hard & well that the next time a position comes up, they won't think _twice_ about not promoting you." And, that's exactly what happened.

So, I can do the same now. I've drastically improved my time management since my boss yelled at me 2 weeks ago, and he even took notice of that today. If I keep steady-on, I won't be overlooked for the next promotion.

The blindness-inducing rage has diminished significantly. Wish me luck.

And, will someone please help me remove all the sharp objects in my office, just in case?

Labels: dating, lust, promotion, selfishness, work

Breathe.

I'm a 30-something professional woman who's mother & brother were both diagnosed with Grade 3 Astrocytoma tumors within about a week of each other. My mother's tumor is in her brain, and my brother's tumor is in his spinal cord, causing him to lose feeling in his arms & legs. These writings are about my experiences dealing with them, coping, loving them, loving myself, and living my life knowing that they are both dying. I hope you find inspiration and courage from my writings to help you get through whatever is going on in your life.